Finding the Way Back
by JustBeFree
Summary: Tara runs into someone linked to her past. How will they help bring her back to Jax? Set in the ten years Tara was away from Charming
1. Under The Bridge

_**Hi everyone. I have written this fic on this site before but took it down. I would like to thank elbeewoods for getting me to re-upload it. **_

_**I had the most part of this fic but I had lost the two one shots to start it off. This time the two one shots and the fic will all be in one. **_

_**This fic is set after Tara leaves Charming to become a doctor but before the show. **_

_**Disclaimer- I don't own anything **_

_**Song- Under the Bridge- Red Hot Chilli Peppers **_

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Tara had finally finished her internship; she was now a fully-fledged doctor. Tonight was the night all the interns in the hospital were going to celebrate. She was happy she was officially a doctor but she remembered what becoming a doctor cost her. You see 7 years ago she left Charming and the man she loved behind. It wasn't that regretted leaving, she had always wanted to be a doctor.

Jax Teller was her everything. They had that intense love, that she couldn't put down to a teenage romance. There love was like a total eclipse of everything else in their lives. It had at one point made her think he was all she needed, that staying in Charming was her life.

It was her final year in Charming that pushed her into leaving. Jax had become a full member of the Club. She thought after his year ended as a prospect, things would get easier, boy was she wrong. He now had Church, longer runs and was in more fights. She didn't know could she be the next Gemma. Gemma loved the Club, the life but Tara always wanted more.

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Walking into this posh bar, it was something she would never get used too. The other interns or a lot of them came from money. She had worked her ass off for her scholarship, while keeping a part time job at a bar. She was dressed in a pair of skinny black jeans, a black backless top that just covered her crow and black boots. Her style had never changed she loved her black clothes. Her style completely contrasted to her career as a paediatric surgeon.

"Champagne Baby. Here's to us being full-fledged doctors" Emily one of her fellow workers shouted. Champagne was something Tara was never interested in, give her a beer or a shot of whiskey any day. She guesses old habits die hard. She was sitting in this bar for about an hour when the champagne started to go to their heads. They had taken to the dance floor to some pop shit Tara would never listen too. It took her another thirty minutes before she decided to leave.

_Sometimes I feel_

_Like I don't have A PARTNER_

_Sometimes I feel_

_Like my only friend_

Walking past a small dingy Irish bar called Doyles, she decided to go in. It reminded her of Charming in so many ways. She was sitting at the bar some old Irish song her mother used to sing, she thinks it was called Danny Boy was playing. There were some guy's playing cards, other playing pool and some old guys drinking beers at the bar.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Tara looked over her shoulder to see a fair haired guy standing behind her.

"Just thinking about some old times." Tara smirked kicking the stool out a little offering him the seat. He was wearing some jeans which were ripped at the knee, boots and a black t-shirt. She could see tattoos peeking out from under the arms of his shirt. He reminded her of the man that she left seven years ago,

"Pretty lady shouldn't be sitting by herself. So what brings you here?" Kozik said ordering himself a whiskey and ordering Tara another.

"I'm celebrating" Tara clinked her glass with his. "I became a doctor today no longer an intern."

"Congrats Doc." It was Koziks turn to clink her glass. "Never been in the company of a doctor before, unless you know got to go to hospital."

"First time for everything right?" Tara laughed. This whiskey was going down way better than that stupid champagne. The mix of champagne and now the whiskey kind of got her buzzed. "I love this song. You ok with dancing or is that against this bad boy look you got going on?" Kozik chuckled before pulling her from her seat. They started dancing to Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. It broth Tara back to the 90's back to the clubhouse. Kozik had the smell of oil and smoke. It reminded her of Jax. She didn't know what came over her but she lent up and her lips touched his.

"Want to get out of here?" Kozik asked between a kiss. They were against the wall of the hallway to the bathroom. He was tall maybe a bit taller than Jax, he was also more built but the smell reminded her so much of him.

"You guys got to get out of here." Tara could feel herself blushing she didn't think the guy could notice with the lighting in here. Tara turned to pick up her bag which had fallen in the heat of the moment. She felt her top get lifted off her back.

"Hey" Tara turned around to face the guy when she realised she didn't even know his name.

"You got something to tell me, old lady." His face was serious, he knew what her crow meant. Fuck was he some rival charter. "A crow ,fuck, a Sons old lady."

"How do you know what my tattoo means?" The drink she had drunk was starting to ware off and now she had fully come to her senses.

"Tacoma Charter" Tacoma was one of SAMCRO's brother charters. So this guy knew Jax? FUCK.

"Let go outside we got a lot to talk about. " He followed her out of the bar and onto the sidewalk. "You got time? And why aren't you wearing your Kutte?" If she had seen the kutte, she would have run a mile.

"Nomad" Kozik said taking a seat beside her on the bench. "You gonna tell me who you're an old lady too?"

Tara took a long pause taking the bud he had from him. "Jackson Teller, prince of Charming." Tara put her hands up to her face. "We haven't seen each other in seven years. We aren't together."

"Ah but you're still his old lady you trying to get me killed? He would have my head for this!" Kozik took the bud back from Tara.

"What's your name anyway? Not often someone leaves the club? What gives?" Tara looked over at him for the first time since inside. She saw the pain cross his face.

"Kozik and you're Tara right?" Tara nodded. "I left the club because I needed a break from everything. My personal demons keep creeping back up on me. Sometimes its best when I leave, hit the road. It gives me time to gain perspective."

"You sound like Jax." Tara said with a faint smile. "First time I had one of these since I left Charming." She said as she rolled the bud around her fingers. "Everyone has demons you know, just some of us are better at hiding it than others."

_it's hard to believe  
That there's nobody out there  
It's hard to believe  
That I'm all alone_

"My time in the Marines gave me a few inner demons and an addiction to pain meds. PTSD, a shrink didn't work. Joining the Tacoma charter gave me a sense of a brotherhood again, it was what I needed. I got over most of it, thanks to it. Every now and then they come out to haunt me. Got shot in the leg about a month ago, got some meds, didn't end well. I hit the road when I got clean, gain perspective again. I'm heading back in a month. Riding cross country alone sure makes you miss a noisy clubhouse."

"I get it. It was weird for me when I first left. You get so invested in the club, its event, the drama. Returning to the normal world isn't easy. I miss it every day." She did she missed the sense of family it gave her. The club was noisy not that a dorm wasn't. It was just a lot different. "I'm sorry to hear about your demons Kozik. I hope one day you can keep them at bay."

"Thanks Doc. You ever think about heading back to Charming?" He had heard about the Prince having met the love of his life and that she had broken his heart. Since she left the prince had little to no heart. The only love he had was for the club.

"All the time but I wouldn't be a doc if I hadn't left." She had thought about what life would be like if she hadn't left. She thought about it a lot for so many years not so much now. "A son. You know in the seven years I've been gone you're the first biker I have met. I didn't even treat one in the hospital. Maybe this is faith being a bitch. The day I become a doctor, I meet a son."

"Faith has a funny way of messing with you" Kozik had been at his lowest when Bones, the Tacoma prez, saw some potential in him. He was in a bar and got into a fight. Bones and his wife Trish got him cleaned up and he started prospecting. The rest you could say is history. "You know you might be trying to avoid Charming and all things sons but maybe I'm a sign that, it's your future." Tara went to object but Kozik cut her off. "I meet you the day you become a doctor. You got to do what you want and now there's no excuse to stay away from Charming. You know Jax is still hung up on you, not that he would ever say it. I've been there he hasn't had a meaningful relationship since you've left."

"Jax Teller and Tara Knowles are finished. I don't think I could go back even if I wanted too. That's a hell of a lot of hurt to open back up." Going back there to a different Jax would break her heart. She liked her Jax before the Club truly got to him. What if he didn't want her? What if he liked his lifestyle?

"What if it was worth it? You'll always have that what if hanging over your head, the regret." Kozik knew first-hand about regret. He had a lot of thing he regretted.

_Under the bridge downtown  
Forgot about my love  
Under the bridge downtown  
I gave my life away_

"Sounds like you're talking from experience. "

"You got me there doc. Jane, she was my everything. I signed up, got shipped out and she wasn't there when I came back. There was a crash. She was gone at the scene. I never got to say goodbye, never got a chance to live our life together. I'm just saying don't wait to get that call. You know the life Jax lives isn't the safest. Don't regret not giving it a chance."

"I'm sorry. It's just a lot to try take in it's been seven years, seven years trying to get over Jackson." Kozik made a lot of sense but there was a lot of shit he didn't understand about their relationship. "It's getting late. You got somewhere to stay?"

"No, you kind of got me distracted."

"You can stay at my place." Tara stood from the bench. "I got a spare room."

"Thanks Doc"

"Nice bike, it's been seven years since I've been on one, be gentle." Tara smirked taking the helmet from Kozik. Tara gave Kozik the directions to her house before they took off down the road. Her house wasn't far from the bar, they would have been able to walk. She just doesn't think Kozik would have been up for leaving his baby here.

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For a moment she wasn't cruising down the streets of Chicago but in Charming. There was a different man in front of her on the bike. He could still see his smirk from the first time he took her for a ride. The laugh at her expense when she gripped him tighter as the bike got faster. She felt the bike come to a stop, she released her slight grip on Kozik before dismounting the bike.

"Calmest girl I ever had on my bike." Kozik said as he followed her into her apartment. It was small but of what he knew about the doc, it suited her. It was a loft style very open but yet closed off all at once. The tones were neutral and brown throughout the apartment. "Nice place you've got."

"Thanks. It's been a real long day and I have a double shift tomorrow. I'm going to head to bed, feel free to take whatever you need, watch tv, there's beers in the fridge. We can have coffee before I go to work."

"Thanks for all this doc. I'm heading out early. I'm planning on going to Detroit next." Tara nodded before offering her goodnight to her new friend.

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Her alarm went off at 6:30am. She could already hear Kozik up. "Morning" Tara appeared working the complicated coffee machine that Kozik had spent the last half an hour trying to work. "You ready for the open road again" She put a cup down in front of Kozik, taking a sip from her own.

"I'm always ready for the open road." Cocky ass biker, Tara thought. "I'll be out of your hair in about fifteen minutes. I want to get out of this city before I hit traffic."

"I get that. That's why I got an apartment around the corner from the hospital." Tara explained as she watched as he packed his small bag. "You going to give me your number? I'd like to know you arrived home safe."

"You got it Doc." Kozik tossed his phone to her as she dialled her number, to get his. "You know Jax is/was a lucky guy. Just think about what we said."

"Of course I will. You be safe ok? Call me when you get to Detroit" Kozik nodded before engulfing her in a tight hug.

"Air Kozik, air."

"Sorry T. You be safe too." Tara watched as he mounted his and revved the engine pulling out into the little traffic. He watched her in his mirror as she waved. Yes, Tara Knowles was someone he needed in his life, a friend he had been missing.

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_**Reviews are much appreciated, I want to know what ya'll think! **_


	2. Ride

_**Glad you are enjoying my fic. Thank you for reviewing, adding to your alerts and adding to your favorites.**_

_**I did write remembering what you want to" and also "remembering what you want to forget" but I lost them so had to try re-write them. The original fic will start from the next chapter. **_

_**Disclaimer- I don't own anything **_

_**Ride- Lana Del Rey**_

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Jax Teller had been in limbo, since he was eighteen, since she left. Some people, his mother had thought it was some school yard shit. She couldn't have been more wrong. When Tara had left, she took a part of him with her. Jax would like to think that was the good part of him. See the life he had imagined in the club was nothing like it was. There was blood, not just the fighting but guns, the girls got skankier the older he got, more desperate. One Wendy Chase had done everything in her power to get him to fuck her. The headache he thought the club had brought all those years ago was nothing compared to now.

_Don't break me down, I been travelling too long  
I been trying too hard, with one pretty song_

If it wasn't bad enough Tara had gone but the Opie got locked up. The two people that knew him best were gone. He got worse after Op left. There was no one to stop him on the downward spiral he was on. He got more invested, if that was possible. So here he was again, sitting on the roof of TM writing down his jacked up feeling about a girl who had long left.

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"Jackie Boy, the Nomad is here" Chibs shouted up to the roof. Jax climbed down walking towards the clubhouse. He saw Happy slapping some blonde guy, who must be the Nomad, on the back.

"Jax' this is Kozik, he originally from the Tacoma chapter but took a few months out to go Nomad." Juice explained, to his VP. Juice was there tech man, who would of thought an MC would need one.

"Jax, good to see you man." Kozik looked at the man who Tara was in love with up and down. He could imagine her standing beside him.

"I guess, Hap has told you about our little problem." Happy had said he was calling in some muscle for a problem they were having with the Mexicans. They were trying to muscle in on their territory and SAMCRO was not having that.

"Yeah, I was passing through, heading back to Tacoma. This was always going to be my last stop. Guess timing was on both our sides. " Kozik followed Jax into Church to get all the details before they were to head out.

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Coming back from there "meeting" with the Mexicans gave you an adrenaline rush, he couldn't describe. There was a party, as usual. Jax went up to his dorm, he had a house just didn't stay there. To him it was just a house, it was small but it felt huge with no one there with you. He lay down in the bed thinking about what had happened in the last few hours. There was blood, as always. There was also a message sent load and clear to the Mexicans. There was a knock on the door, he looked over to see Wendy, a want to be croweater standing in barley anything, like always.

"Hey prince, need some company." She was already climbing up the bed before he even said anything. Maybe fucking her would stop his thoughts for a while.

As we walked back down to the clubhouse a while later, he felt dirty. Wendy was an addict and that wasn't tolerated in his world. If Gemma even knew she was here, she'd cut him a new one. It wasn't like she wouldn't find out, his mother found out everything.

"Good way to unwind." Kozik said as he titled his head to where Wendy was. If Kozik had noticed that meant everyone did.

"Yeah Man. Who doesn't like pussy?" Jax said drinking his beer. "You did good today, we could use someone like you here."

"Tacoma is home, I'll keep it in mind though. You going to make that sweetbutt your old lady?" Kozik was a lot smarter than everyone thought. He knew to ask the right questions to get the right answers.

"Na she's not even a croweater, to messed up to be." Jax said looking over to where Wendy was. Tig now had her in his lap. "Would you make that your old lady?"

"No!" Kozik said a little bit too quickly. "More a natural blonde kind of guy. Plus I'm ten kinds of messed up, I don't need my old lady to be messed up too." His thoughts went back to Jane. She would of liked most of the guys here but not the lifestyle.

"I'm more of a brunette kind of guy." Jax said getting another two beers for them. "So why did you go nomad?"

"Pain meds. I was in the marines, PTSD and a fucked knee injury. I got addicted to the meds, helped block everything out. I had a relapse about 3 months ago. Just need to get my head straight." Kozik thoughts went back to is conversation with Tara. It was a little over a month ago and they had kept in contact. She worried about him like she was his sister.

_I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast  
I am alone at midnight  
Been trying hard not to get into trouble but I  
I've got a war in my mind  
So I just ride  
Just ride_

"The open road cures everything." Except heartache, Jax thought. He remembered riding the open roads for days after Tara left. It had always helped him calm and gain perspective but this time nothing helped. "So you're going back to Tacoma after here?"

"Yeah that's the plan. Bones has been calling my ass constantly for the last two weeks." Bones was more like a father to Kozik than his prez. It was a weird relationship not many understood it but his kids were still that kids. Kozik was something of a protégé to him. "I've missed the club, it gets lonely on the road." Kozik sipped his beer. "I met this one chick a great girl actually."

"What was so special about this chick?" Jax knew from experience Kozik would be getting pussy all over the country.

"She was your old lady." Kozik smirked slightly as he put the bottle to his lips.

"Tara?"

"Yeah. Look nothing happened. I just met her in a bar we got talking and I figured out she was an old lady when I saw her crow." Jax gave Kozik a look that could kill. "Not like that just she went to pick up her bag and her top rode up and I saw it." Thank god he saw that crow before things went a little too far.

He saw Tara, got to talk to her. "How was she?" He didn't know how she was , had she become the doctor she wanted to be?

"She's good. I met her the night her internship ended, she's become a doctor." Jax couldn't help but smile. His old lady was a doctor. "She freaked out when she found out I was a son." Jax smiled again, of course she would. That's was there biggest issue the club. "She still misses you. It was written all over her face just like yours." Jax looked at him with a sad smile. "Let's not get into the heavy. Just know she's happy, safe and misses the shit out of you. Now I'm going to find a sweetbutt to make my time in Charming even better." Before Jax could ask anything else Kozik was gone. He was going to put on his cool demure and play it like Kozik.

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Waking up with a killer hangover and a croweater in his bed was normal for him. Today he felt actual guilt like the first time it happened when Tara had left. He looked at the clock it was 12pm. Kozik would be leaving with Happy soon. He rolled out from under the croweater, Tia, Mia, Rita, he wasn't sure.

_Dying young and playing hard  
That's the way my father made his LIFE AND art  
Drink all day and we talk till dark  
That's the way THE ROAD dogs do it - light 'til dark_

"Yo Jax." Kozik smiled taking a sip from what smelt like coffee. "Glad to see you. I'm just finishing this and heading out. I've stalled for as long as possible. Happy is going to kick my ass back to Tacoma if I'm much longer." Kozik handed him a piece of paper. "That's her number. Call her, get her back here. Just don't wait another ten years, sucks seen the two of you still hung up." Kozik finished his coffee just as Happy came through the door. "Leaving now"

"Teller see you next time and listen to my advice" Kozik said before following Happy out the door. Jax followed waving the two Tacoma members off before going to the roof. He looked at the number on the small piece of paper, he even dialed it. Just how stupid would he sound ringing her after ten years? He hated how crazy she made his emotions. Did he want her back here with him? Yes. Did he want her in this life? No. His life and the club were one so he didn't really have that option of keeping him separate.

"Jackson get you're as down here." Fuck he knew his mother had heard of Wendy being at the party last night. It's just another day in the life of Jax Teller.

_I'm TIRED OF feeling like I'm f*cking crazy  
I'm TIRED OF driving 'til I see stars in my eyes  
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby  
So I just ride, I just ride_

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	3. Guns and Roses

_**I do not own Sons of Anarchy**_

_**Lana Del Rey- Guns and Roses **_

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_I should've learned to let you stay.  
You didn't want me all the time,  
But you were worth it anyway._

Tara took a deep breath, it had been just over 8 years since she was last in an MC. Kozik had asked very nicely that she would attend his big 30th birthday being held at the Tacoma Chapter. If tonight wasn't a big enough night, she had expected a few SAMCRO boys to be here, she just dreaded to think that he would be. It was eight long years, lonely ass years, somehow Kozik had brought happiness into her life. She didn't like Kozik romantically but he had become a very good friend, a confidante, a person she would trust with her life. If anyone asked she was just a friend from his Nomad days, a doctor who lived in Chicago. Tara had to scoff to herself the biker and the doctor, this was going to raise a few eyebrows. She took another long breath before walking into the clubhouse, she was greeted by whistles from the boys and filthy looks from some croweaters.

"T, you came" Kozik lifted her into a hug. "What's your poison?"

"Just a beer for now Koz" Tara smiled. "Happy Birthday"

"So Kozik, are you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Happy this is Dr. Tara Knowles, I met her on the road while I was Nomad"

"Tara Knowles, sorry Doctor Tara Knowles, name sounds familiar" Happy shrugged before walking away.

"He seems pleasant" Tara said taking a sip from her beer. He did know her name for a very good reason, she had been introduced to him about 10 years ago at a SAMCRO party, as Jax' old lady. This was going to be a long night.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here? You can have my room" Kozik offered for the third time in ten minutes. Tara rolled her eyes, it was sweet but she wasn't going to deny him his bed, not on his birthday.

"I'm good, you may need it for whatever lucky lady gets the birthday boys attention" Tara said kissing his cheek before getting into the taxi.

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Tara decided on a simple black tank and jeans with a pair of black boots. She walked up to the MC, she could hear the music playing, the laughing and the sound of bikes and it was heaven. Walking over to Kozik she took a seat beside him, smiling at Happy, who looked anything but happy, even with the blonde in his lap.

"Who's the lucky croweater tonight?" Tara smiled looking around the room, to see the numerous girls throughout the club.

"Haven't decided yet maybe I'll have more than one tonight, it's my birthday I can be greedy." Kozik laughed before handing her a shot.

"Happy Birthday" They clinked glasses and downed their shots. Kozik immediately dragged Tara to dance, giving her a wink. She didn't know when the last time, she felt so at ease. She closed her eyes for a moment, it felt like she was 18 again, in SAMCRO clubhouse with another man dancing. The smells of motor oil, smoke, alcohol and leather, was all too familiar, it smelt like home. She was startled from her daydream by Kozik voice. "Jesus Christ" followed by her being dragged over to a small room, the chapel, this was too familiar, it had her on edge. She looked ahead at the man in front of her and saw the kutte SAMCRO. Her breath caught in her throat, she had to tell herself to keep breathing to keep moving. She knew coming here was a risk, she knew how close the clubs were, that there would be someone there to represent the club. She honestly didn't know why she was so shocked, why she had just gotten the fright of her life. She prayed it was a new member someone who she didn't know 8 years ago, someone who didn't recognise her. She couldn't face him not in front of all these watchful eyes, the girl who broke Jackson Tellers heart.

_'Cause you were so much better,_  
_Than the rest of them,_  
_Out of all the others,_  
_You were the honest man._

"Hey Koz where's that doctor at?" Happy shouted.

"She's right here"

"Good get her over here" Happy didn't look the slightest bit impressed that the SAMCRO boy was hurt. He didn't want anyone messing with one of the mother charters members. Kozik gently pushed Tara ahead of him, taking in a gulp because he hadn't seen who it was, he couldn't warn her.

"Yo doc can you get this bullet out of my ass" Juice winched with pain.

Tara couldn't help but feel relieved, she didn't know who he was and she hoped he didn't know who she was. "Uh huh...yeah sure just lie him on the table" Tara said before letting them know what she would need to remove the bullet.

"Lucky you have a fat ass" Some other SOA member laughed who Tara didn't know he turned around and she saw Prospect written in clear letters across his kutte.

"Shut it prospect or you'll be cleaning my bike, room and anything else I can think of" Juice snapped. "So Tacoma has its own resident doctor huh?"

Tara just finished up the last stitch. "No! No need to get jealous, just here for Koz birthday so today is your lucky day my friend. You could have been getting that lovely man to take the bullet from your ass" Tara laughed. Looking over at the man she thinks goes by the name Mike, he apparently was the clubs medic he had stayed and watched Tara closely.

"I'm glad it was you doc, I'm Juice" He smiled.

"Tara, nice to meet you Juice" She wanted to ask him about SAMCRO but she had no right, it would raise to many questions.

"You and a prospect show up for my birthday should I be offended?" Kozik said bringing in 3 shot glasses and a bottle of tequila.

"Sorry bro it's just us, Jax, Tig and Chibs were coming but you know Charming, never a quiet day." Juice filled them in while pouring his shot. "To the doc"

"To the doc"

"And to Kozik it is his birthday"

"Yeah and to Kozik"

They all downed their shots. "Now lets party" Juice said leaving the room.

"Yeah I'm with him" Kozik said following him. The night was great they drank, smoked, danced it had been a night to remember.

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Juice walked into SAMCRO, his ass was to sore and he needed a drink to numb the pain.

"Juice" Jax smiled. "How was Tacoma?"

"I got shot in the ass, other than that good" Juice said taking his shot.

Jax couldn't help but laugh, shot in the ass. "Did Mike patch you up?"

"No Bro, Koz doctor friend Tara was there for his birthday, so I got stitched up by the doc." Juice said taking another shot.

_MOTORCYCLE love, divine,_  
_I should've learned to let you PLAY._  
_I wasn't the marryin' kind,_  
_I should've done it anyway._

Jax felt his heart stop, Tara was in Tacoma, Juice had seen her, talked to her, touched her. He felt a wave of jealousy and anger rush over him, he could of been there, could have seen her, touched her. Kozik had failed to mention she was going to be there, maybe he thought he should have known she would be, they were friends, of course she wasn't going to miss it.

"A doctor? Rather her than Mike" Jax laughed. "Look I got to go meet Wendy, I'll see later Bro"

Jax stepped outside leaning against his bike, he dialled the number taking a breath.

"Hello"

"You didn't tell me she was going to be there"

"Hello to you to Jax, I didn't think it needed to be said. You were coming, she was coming not my fault you got held up" Kozik yawned.

"You should have told me, I would have tried harder"

Kozik snorted and laughed. "Of course you would have, how does that not surprise me"

"Yeah, yeah next time she visits, tell me" Jax asked. He didn't care if he sounded desperate, like his world had been crushed. He would be there because he just didn't want to turn up on her doorstep after 8 years and look like a fool, still pinning over her. He was going to meet Wendy and all he could think about was Tara Knowles, nothing new there.

"I will"

"Thanks Bro, bye"

"Bye prince" Kozik said before hanging up. Kozik lay in bed he didn't tell Jax Tara was coming because he felt he was betraying Tara. He didn't tell Tara Jax was coming because she wouldn't have come. Kozik thought it be best to let them both come and get a surprise only Jax hadn't showed. Those two would be the death of him Kozik thought before rolling over and going back to sleep.

_**So how was it? Think I should continue? x**_


	4. Back to Black

_**This Chapter is more Jax than Tara, I will be putting my own spin on things post season 1 which will mostly make up this fic. Sorry for the delay on an update but my laptop got sick and had to go to the doctor. So I've only gotten it back.**_

_**Amy Winehouse - Back To Black **_

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_He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet_

_With his same old safe bet_

_Me, and my head high, and my tears dry_

_Get on without my guy_

She lay in bed with him, limbs entwined in each others, she looked up at the blonde haired, blue eyed biker and smiled like he was the only person in the world. He looked down at her like she was nothing, she could almost see guilt in his eyes. It was always like this after sex he would distance himself, even get up and leave, he hardly ever stayed with her unless he was too fucked to leave. She wasn't stupid but he was the prince of Charming and she liked to think of herself as his old lady. Gemma never failed to mention that Jax already had an old lady, that he still loved and that she was no one looking to make a name for herself in the club. She hated that none of the Club took their relationship seriously not that Jax cared, it wasn't serious to him. She had tried everyway possible to try and get him to notice her, to look at her like she was his world. Jax may have been to drunk to notice last night but he had noticed now, she could see the emotions rush over his face.

"When did you get that?" Jax stared, looking at her upper back, at the crow looking back at him.

"I got it two days ago, I want to be **your** old lady Jax" Wendy smiled. She didn't want to push him into it but she had to.

"You had no right, I never asked, you stupid bitch! I have an old lady with my crow, you can't just get that, it has to mean something! I never even asked you to even put on my Kutte, Jesus Christ you are batshit, you're not even a croweater. You're just someone who I am fucking" Jax paced the room gathering his clothes. "You don't get to tell me your my old lady got it?"

"But its on me now, I'm yours" Wendy said trying to get him to stop, she knew he wasn't going to take it well, she just didn't think he'd take it this bad. "Jax I'm sorry but she isn't coming back, it just you and me now baby."

"Don't you dare bring her up, you'll never be her and you could never take her place. Some junkie doesn't exactly sound like a good candidate to be the prince's old lady. I'm sick of your shit, your games and you trying to trap me. Stay out of my life, stay away from **my **club and get that tattoo removed" Jax said before slamming the door and walking away. Wendy stood dumbstruck in her hall thinking maybe the tattoo was a bad idea.

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Jax walked into T-M passed his mother not even bothering to stop, he needed a drink, a strong one, whiskey. "Wow where's the fire baby?" Gemma said following her son. It wasn't a busy day at T-M, the boys were working in the shop or out.

"I don't want to talk about it Ma" Jax grumbled picking up the whiskey from the shelf.

"Let me guess, it has something to do with you leaving with Wendy last night?" Gemma said trying to read her son. Jax took a shot and looked at his mother, he knew she would ride his ass until he told her exactly what happened.

"She got the crow, she just got it, didn't even ask, thinks she's my old lady" Gemmas grip tightened around her coffee cup, she didn't like Wendy. She made the perfectly clear on many occasion, Tara was perfect for him, kept him grounded and she was pissed when she left but now she had to admire her. She hated that she broke her sons heart but she had to admire her for going after her dream. She knew there was only a matter of time until she comes back with the Tara Knowles and Jackson Teller love train starts off again.

"What is she crazy? Who does she think she is? Jesus Christ does she not know about Tara, Tara is your old lady" Gemma spat out accidently on purpose to see what her sons reaction would be.

_You, went back to what you knew, so far removed_

_From all that we went through_

_And I, tread, a troubled track, my odds are stacked_

_I'll go back to black_

"I know Ma, I told her, I told her she was nothing and I didn't want anything to do with her" Jax felt rage build up inside him, how dare she try to take Taras place no one could ever do that, she was his and he was hers, forever. He knew someday they would meet again and with Kozik help maybe it would be someday soon.

"Why don't you try to see her?" Gemma asked.

"I don't want to turn up at her door after 8 years ma! I think it would be weird. Why can't she come back?" Jax snapped because why couldn't she, she could go to Tacoma to visit Kozik but not Charming to visit him and her family. SAMCRO were as much her family as they were his, they treated her like a sister, a daughter and thought Jax was lucky to have her as his old lady.

"Jackson sometimes you are too stubborn for your own good! Don't you want to know she's safe baby?"

"I know she's safe"

"How do you know that Jax, she doesn't talk to her father that often?"

"Kozik told me"

"Kozik from Tacoma? What does he have to do with Tara?"

"He met her in Chicago, they're friends now, he tells me" Jax sighed.

Gemma couldn't believe what her son just said, a fellow brother was telling him how his old lady was. "How is she?" Gemma and Tara had gotten on well, she saw her as the daughter she never had. She lived with them practically since she was 15 in the space of 4 years they had grown exceptionally close.

"She's good, she was in Tacoma at Kozik birthday"

"You got called back" Jax nodded to his mother. "You could have talked to her, got her to come back here"

"I know but it didn't happen" Jax sat looking at the whiskey bottle in front of him unable to look at his mother.

"I'm sorry Jax, maybe next time"

"Gemma we need you out here" Juice shouted.

"Ok, I'm coming" Gemma squeezed Jax shoulder dropping a kiss on his cheek before walking outside. Jax took another shot and was left to his own thoughts.

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.

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"Hello" Tara yawned.

"Yo T, how are you? Did I wake you up lazy ass" Kozik laughed.

"I had a night shift" Tara looked at the clock she had just been in bed for an hour.

"Look I didn't want to tell you this but seen as you visiting tomorrow and SAMCRO maybe here, I thought it would be best." Kozik took a deep breath he didn't want to tell her, God this was hard. "I was talking to Juice, you know the Son you took the bullet out of his ass?"

"Yeah Koz I know"

"He said some croweater Jax had been screwing, well she kind of went behind his back and got the crow" Tara felt her insides turn, had she been replaced? Did he really have another old lady?

"He freaked he told her he already had an old lady, told her to go get the tattoo removed" Tara couldn't help but smile, he still thought of her as his old lady. She felt as though she was walking on cloud nine, she still thought of herself as his.

"Why did she get it?" Tara asked.

"Juices seems to think she's trying to trap Jax, wants to be his old lady and is willing to do anything to get him"

"Something's never change" Tara sighed. This brought her back to when Jax and she were first together. She had been always fending off the numerous croweaters bidding for his attention.

"Happy is calling me, I got to go T, see you tomorrow right?"

"See you tomorrow Koz, be safe"

"Always am T" Kozik laughed hanging up the phone.

_We only said goodbye with words_

_I died a hundred times_

_You GO BACK TO her_

_And I GO BACK to, I go back to, us_

_._

_._

_._

_**Hope that was ok! See you all again soon x**_


	5. Ghost

_**I Do Not Own Sons OF Anarchy**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_"Boy you never told me_  
_True love was going to hurt_  
_True pain I don't deserve_  
_Truth is that I never learn"_

_~ Ella Henderson - Ghost_

Tara was pissed, no that wouldn't even cover it. Fuck she had gotten her hair done, new clothes, had built herself up enough to finally come face to face with Jackson Teller and SAMCRO. She was just about to leave her apartment when the phone rang. Of course the doctor covering her shift would end up sick and they needed to her to cover, she told her it was only a 24 hour bug and she could leave after her shift. Jessica was genuinely sick and couldn't apologise to Tara enough. Tara knew it wasn't her fault but she couldn't help but think faith was trying to intervene. She picked up her phone ringing Kozik to tell him the news.

"Be seeing you soon T"

"About that...I can't make it tonight the doctor who was covering me ended up getting sick, next available flight is tomorrow afternoon" Tara sighed.

"T, you know Jax is going to be here tonight!"

"I know"

"Can you not find anyone else to cover you?"

"Hospital is short staffed. Koz my cab is here I go to go, I'll see you tomorrow" The line went quiet, Kozik was pissed.

"Yeah, bye"

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.

.

It had been a rough shift, anything that could possibly go wrong did, she needed a drink, an amber one.

"A shot of whiskey please" Tara told the barman.

"Rough day?"

"You could say that again" Tara sighed signalling him to pour another shot. "I should be at a party but here I am just finished work"

"That sucks ass lady" He smiled. "Here have another one on the house, lets toast to the parties we're both missing"

"Cheers" Tara said clinking her glass with his. The two fellow surgeons she had come with had disappeared in the crowd so she decided to sit at the bar and drink herself to oblivion. She looked at her phone and dialled his number, bikers always picked up there phones encase it was club business, so she new he would answer.

"Hello" Kozik slurred.

"Koz, I'm sorry I'm missing the party"

"T, It's ok I'm a little bit fucked, Jax is here with the croweater" Kozik said mentally cursing himself. He was all kinds of wasted an a little bit too high, it just slipped out they were right in front of him. When he thought of Tara he thought of Jax and vice versa. Most of their conversations entailed something about the other. What they were doing? Were they ok? It had left his lips before he had even thought about what he had said.

"Oh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow have fun"

"T" It was too late she was already gone. He felt like shit, he wanted to ground to swallow him up, he had just hurt her and that was never his intention. Tara was a close friend, he doesn't think he was ever that close with a girl who was just a friend. Jesus she was his best friend, she knew more about him than half his club did.

"Yo Kozik can we talk out front" He looked up to see Jax standing in front of him. He was to drunk to deal with this shit. Kozik, alcohol and smoke always ended up with him saying or doing something stupid. He got up and followed Jax outside.

"Where is she? You said she was going to be here" Jax snapped.

"She was supposed to be here. She will be here tomorrow afternoon, she had to cover one of the doctors last minute couldn't make it" Kozik said sipping his beer. "She was looking forward to coming, she was majorly happy about it"

"Did you tell her I was coming? Is that why she didn't come?" Jax felt stupid asking Kozik these questions. It was the only way he knew what was going on with Tara. He was to proud and stubborn to just pick up the dam phone and call her.

"She knew you were coming, that you all were. She was going to come. She wanted to, she wanted to see you. How do you think she would have felt seeing you with the croweater huh? She would never want to see you again, she has the crow Jax. Fuck Tara would be gone before you even had a chance to explain if she was by your side."

"She just came, found out off with of the boys and arrived with her bag. What could I say?"

"You can't come"

"It's not that simple. She fragile, she a junkie, I don't want to push her over the edge" Jax sighed.

"All I'm saying is her being here isn't going to make things good between you and T"

"I know"

"What are you two doing out here, there's a party in here" Chibs said from the door.

"My beer is done, we're coming" Kozik said walking away from Jax.

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Tara sat at the bar she was half way through the bottle of whiskey, when some guy approached.

"You like your liquor don't you?" He smiled. He was older maybe ten years, dressed in a suit, freshly shaven, short hair and nothing like Jackson Teller.

"Rough day, I'm entitled to get drunk" Tara mumbled.

"And what made you day so rough?"

"Surgeries and anything that could go wrong, went wrong" Tara said raising her glass to her lips.

"You're a surgeon?"

"Is it so hard to believe?" Yes it probably as that hard to believe here she was half way through a bottle of whiskey, biker boots, jeans and a band tee. Nothing about her exactly screamed surgeon, so he did probably have a right to look shocked. By his look he looked like a business man maybe a lawyer.

"You just don't look like any surgeons I know. What's you name?" He said looking her up and down.

"I don't just tell my name to anybody. How do I know you're not a mass murder, some kind of stalker or some total creep?" Tara said. She really wasn't in the mood for company, especially not someone asking her twenty questions. She never liked that game, dating Jax questions were bad. Questions usually meant someone was trying to get information about the MC out of you. She had learnt to not answer anything she didn't want to, by turning their question into a question for them. He didn't answer just showed her his badge. She looked at the badge ATF. She couldn't help but laugh, here was the clubs arch enemy trying to chat her up. She had the mark of an outlaw biker club on her lower back and here she was talking to ATF. Lucky she didn't have loose lips start talking about how she was supposes to be in Tacoma at the outlaw biker party.

"A cop, should have guessed" Tara shrugged. "What do you want from me?"

"Just for you to go to dinner with me"

"And why would you want to go to dinner with me?" Tara asked with a raised brow.

"You intrigue me" He thought it was a simple answer. He had been watching her from across the bar, she was beautiful, dark hair, pale skin. He didn't have a problem talking to women but with her she was guarded after drinking half a bottle of whiskey, He thought she would be an open book, easy to read. He couldn't have been more wrong, he wanted to get to know her, know everything about her. He liked that she just didn't talk to anyone, she had a solid career like him and he liked that. She knew what's like to work long hours, she was perfect. "You still haven't told me your name?"

"You haven't told me yours" Tara retaliated.

"Joshua Kohn" He smiled.

"Tara...Tara Knowles" Tara said. "Are you going to leave me to my night or keep asking me questions?"

"If you agree to dinner tomorrow night, I'll leave you to your night" Joshua smiled. She as playing hard to get he liked that.

"I'm away for the next 3 days and on shifts for the following 4. How about here same time next week" Tara would agree to anything for him to just Fuck off at this point.

"Perfect, see you then Tara Knowles" The way he said her name made her skin crawl.

"Goodbye Joshua" Tara left out a sigh of relief when he finally left. One dinner couldn't be that bad right? Maybe dating a ATF agent would be the perfect way to say Fuck you Jackson Teller.

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Kozik waited at the airport, her plane was just after arriving. He saw her walking toards him, he engulfed her in a huge before she could even say anything.

"I can't breath Koz" Tara finally said between breaths.

"I missed you" Kozik smiled. It had been 6 months since they had last seen each other. He had tried to make it up to see her but the club had been mad busy and he just couldn't get the time away, not being sergeant of arms.

"Missed you too, you big softie" Tara laughed kissing his cheek.

"Now lets get to the clubhouse" Kozik smiled leading her to the clubs van.

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They arrived to the clubhouse, Tara breath caught in her throat when she saw the bikes she knew to well. "They're all here?"

"Yeah staying for a couple of days, shit got really bad here. Mother Charter and all that are here for support" Kozik explained as best he could without giving too much away. "Are you ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be" Tara said regaining her composure.

_"Each time that I think you go_  
_I turn around and you're creeping in_  
_And I let you under my skin_  
_'Cause I love living in the sin"_

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_**I'm so bold leaving it as a cliffhanger I have a genuine Idea of milestones I want to hit in the fic, some chapters will just be fillers others will have more drama etc... Reviews are much appreciated... I now have the link to my twitter and tumblr account on my profile feel free to contact or follow me on either...I do follow back... MeMii x**_


	6. All I Want

_" 'Cause you brought out the best of me_

_Apart of me I'd never seen_

_You took my soul and whiped it clean _

_Our love was made for movie screens."_

_All I want ~ Ellie Goulding (Kodaline cover)_

Walking into the clubhouse all she could think about was him. What he would look like, would he be the same Jax or had the Club changed him. Kozik squeezed her shoulder assuring her he was there for support. She thought of running turning around and not coming back ever again. It would be easy only for the fact she would miss Kozik to much and never get to see Jax.

Jackson Teller. Why did all her thoughts always end up back with him. She often imagined the blue eyes, blonde haired, stubborn ass biker. He was everything for her for so long. He still is as much as it pains her to admit it. She doesn't like to think of what could have been. Would she be married? Have kids? Be the old lady of the prince of Charming. Gemmas right hand women, dealing with the day to day running of the club. It would be nice to be back with the family, to be apart of something other than the hospital. Ever since she left Charming all she did was study and work. She missed being apart of something more than that a family, her family. Although she knew they wouldn't see it that way but to her they were the closet thing to a family she ever felt. She hadn't seen any of them in nine years, it was a long time, nearly a decade. She knew her presence wouldn't be welcomed with open arms. Fuck she was scared shitless to see Gemma. Gemma had been such a mother figure for her. Tara always thought Gemma thought she left her family behind not just Jax. She did. As much as it pained her to admit it she was right, she regretted leaving the way she did.

"Are you ok?" Kozik whispered breaking her thoughts.

"Um yeah! Its just you know nine years is a long time" Tara sighed.

"You'll be fine just go in and say hello" Tara looked at Kozik like he was crazy. She wished it was that easy. History in SAMCRO never had away of erasing itself. Grudges were for life.

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Jax was pissed not only had Wendy decided to tag along but now was refusing to leave his side. Tara was going to be here, he was going to see her after nine years. He didn't want the croweater he'd been fucking to be by his side, no, she didn't belong there. Tara belonged at his side she was and still is his old lady. It made him angry to think Kozik was closer to her than he was. Charming probably scared the shit out of her. She had left and knew everything about the club. She was trusted enough to know she wouldn't say anything. She knew what they would have to do, what he would have to do. He trusted Tara more than anyone else although she had left him in Charming. He couldn't blame her, she had asked him to go to. He had told her he couldn't leave. Going nomad was never an option he was going to follow in his fathers footsteps and become president. He was nearly there VP of the mother charter one more step to sealing his legacy. Tara was supposed to be his queen, if he could do anything about it she still would be.

"My drink is getting low" Jax said looking at Wendy. Wendy looked at him like he had three heads. Did he not get she was his old lady not some croweater. The way Jax looked at her now she knew he would always just see her as a croweater. She needed a hit, she needed one bad if she was going to last the night.

"I'll go get you one now prince" Jax hated it when she called him that. He knew everyone thought of him as prince, who he was but he hated being seen as that with his brothers. He was VP, prince of Charming but he was first and foremost a brother, a son. Tara, Tara playfully called him Teller or when she was pissed or knew of something he had done Jackson. She had never once called him prince, fuck she didn't even know he was VP. Kozik was probably after telling her, filling her in on all things Jax Teller. What if she didn't ask about him? What if she was over him? He could be pining over a girl who had long forgotten him. He gave himself hope knowing she still had the crow, his crow.

"Jackie boy is that not wee Tara?" Chib said pointing in the direction of where Kozik and Tara had entered.

"Yeah, Yeah it is" Jax said taking the last pull on his smoke. Where the fuck was Wendy with his beer? She looked beautiful with her tight jeans, boot and black top. She was just like what he remembered she was older but still his Tara. The girl he fell in love with 13 years ago. She looked over shyly it must be intimidating seeing most of SAMCRO standing in front of you.

"Yo Tara my ass healed up pretty well thanks doc. Better than Chibs here stitching me up looks it'd look like a monkey done it" Juice joked.

"That's good to hear Juice, I'm glad I could help you" Tara smiled.

"Oi Juicy, you lil smart ass! Your ass can stitch itself the next time you end up shot. Don't come runnin' to Chibs the next time wee Tara here isn't around" Chib laughed. "Should have known it was the wee ones work girly stitching an all"

Tara rolled her eyes Chibs had rode her ass from the day he found out she wanted to go into medicine first she wanted to be a nurse but finally decided on a doctor. Chibs had often used her as his nurse trying to show her what it would be like. Tara was happy to help but taking bullets out of people and fixing people up after fights wasn't the medical work she had in mind.

"Tacoma's residentially doctor" Kozik smiled. He knew it would rile Jax up, the look alone on his face said a thousand words.

"Aye but don't you go forgetting there boy that she was ours first" Chibs laughed.

"I second that" Clay spoke up. Tara looked at the older man who had raised his drink to her and in return she did the same. It was a simple gesture but she knew what it meant no hard feelings, welcome. It made her feel a lot easier that the president of the mother charter had welcomed her. She had spent enough time in he Teller- Morrow house with Clay to see him as more of a father figure.

"Snooze you lose SAMCRO" Kozik joked.

"Am I missing something?" Juice asked. He had been a son for just over 8 years and the first time he laid eye on the doc was in Tacoma.

"Tara here is Jax was Jax Old Lady before you came to the club. She went off to medical school and hasn't stepped foot back in Charming since" Bobby explained.

"Thanks for the history lesson on my love life" Jax moaned. Thank god Tara had been distracted by Mike asking her some medical advice, Jax guessed.

"Here's your beer prince" Wendy smiled kissing his lips before Jax could even react. He looked into her eyes and knew she was high. No wonder it took her so long to get him his god dam beer. He didn't want to make a scene, drugs were a huge no, no in club life.

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.

Tara looked over to the woman who walked up to Jax. This must be Wendy she was nothing like her she saw the crow on top of her back and felt like she had been hit in the gut. She was blonde, skinny and dressed like your typical croweater, nothing like Tara. Tara couldn't help but think she was the complete opposite of her maybe Jax wanted to forget her.

"Hello Tara" Gemma said from behind her. Great Gemma was here, this had just made her day.

"Hello Gemma" Tara said but before she turned around she ripped up her top.

"Still marked as his"

"A reminder of my past"

"BULLSHIT" Gemma said crossing her arms. However much she hated Tara for leaving seeing her now she saw the vulnerable girl who used to run to their house after shit got bad at home. The girl who had become a daughter to her was standing in front of her. She had grown into a beautiful woman. She looked lost like she didn't know her place. Gemma looked at Jax and the croweater, this was perfect. This could push them back into each others arms. "See someone's trying to take your place"

"I left 9 years ago Gemma, it's acceptable for Jax to find a new old lady" Tara said looking Gemma straight in the eye.

Gemma scanned Wendy of course she would have her crow showing. This was bad, trust Wendy to ruin her plan. Over Gemmas dead body would Wendy be sticking around! "You know he won't let her replace you"

"What's your game Gemma?" Tara snapped. She knew Gemma well enough to know when she was up to something.

"You know you could of been married had a couple of kids by now. That was if you had stuck around" Gemma said.

"Guilt tripping me really? I know what could have been I can't change that now" Tara sighed.

"But you can make it your future" Gemma said before walking off. Had Gemma Teller Morrow just given her free reign to go after her son? This shit is crazy.

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Tara walked out of Kozik dorm he had refused to let her stay in a hotel with the recent problems in Tacoma. She was walking down the hall when she bumped into someone maybe she did have too many shots.

"Sorry" She mumbled looking up. Her heart caught in her chest it was Jax. No she corrects that it was Jax and his old...Wendy. "I wasn't paying attention"

"It's ok Tara. I'm just bringing Wendy to bed maybe we can catch up" Jax smiled.

"Jax baby stay with me" Wendy said laying a kiss on his lips. Tara, the fucking Tara was standing in front of her. Shit, things were bad with her back in the equation she could loose Jax forever.

"Lets just get you to bed" Jax sighed. "See you in a while Tara"

"Yeah" Looking at them both walking up the hall, she shook her head trying to free her mind of her thought walking back to the party.

It took a while for him to get back Wendy had practically thrown herself at him. She was high and he didn't need that shit plus he needed to find Tara. He heard her laughing at something Kozik and Juice had just said. He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face, she was happy.

"Did I miss the joke?" Jax said taking a seat beside her.

"Kozik was just telling us some stories" Juice drawled.

"Koziks stories are always good" Jax laughed.

The all fell into a comfortable conversation trading stories, laughing at people around the room, it was nice. Jax had to admit it was the most relaxed he felt in a long time. Juice had gone to get a drink and Kozik had been called away from Mike which left just him and Tara.

"So how is Chicago?" Jax asked.

"Fine its work" Tara shrugged. "How's Charming?"

"Nothings changed business as usual" Jax sighed knowing she knew what he meant. "You look good Tara."

"Thank you Jax you don't look to bad yourself although I'm sure you have a few more scars" Tara sighed.

"Can we not"

"What talk about your life Jackson"

"Talk about the club"

"But the club is your life"

"Jesus Tara something's never change. Still after all these years you can't deal with it. You know who I am more than anybody else does. You knew me before the club, before my father died. I don't want to fight about the past." Jax sighed. It had taken them all but 10 minutes of being alone to end up fighting.

Tara laughed she actually laughed at him. She blames Koziks for this, him and his stupid smoke. He totally made hers strong and now she couldn't help herself. "Jackson it's not your past you are still a member. The club will always come first with you always has, always will."

Great she was using Jackson shit had gotten bad fast. "You know you would have been my life if you stayed but you left"

"I asked you to come but you choose the club"

"I asked you to stay and you choose college"

"So it's like that?" Tara said with a raised brow.

"We can both blame each other but looking back we were both to stubborn to do what the other asked. That was always the problem with us, neither ever wanted to give in. We fought like our life depended on it but we also made love like it was the last time. We were intense. We have always been that was us, that is us. "Jax said never taking his eyes from her.

"Intense would be the best word to describe our relationship." Tara agreed. "We also loved to play games and people got hurt, we got hurt"

"We were young, foolish. We didn't know how to deal with our feelings. There were so many outside influences on our relationship we didn't know how to just be. We fought against what we knew which was us, you and me." Jax sighed.

"I know I was there. We were horrible to everyone it was like it was us against the world until we fought, then everyone had to deal. We were the teenage romance of Charming everyone was waiting to see what happened next." Tara laughed at the memory. "But we grounded each other. We were two free spirits and we needed each other to live. Somewhere along the way we lost each other to jealousy, to people who knew nothing about us. We let it happen, we let our relationship fail not you, not me but us."

"I know we just didn't have any fight left in us. It had been a rollercoaster start to finish. Jesus I still think of us, of you everyday" Jax sighed.

"Yeah me to" Tara smiled weekly.

"Shot time" Juice and Kozik smiled coming back with a bottle of tequila.

"Shot time" Tara smiled. That was that they didn't get a moment alone for the rest of the night. Church was called and they left to deal with business by the time they got back Tara had already crashed. Jax slept on the couch he couldn't stay with Wendy tonight he wouldn't. All he wanted to do was crawl into bed with the girl who stole his heart at fifteen. It killed him to have her close yet so far away. For now he would have to deal.

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**Sorry for the long wait :)**


	7. One Way or Another

_**Happy Reading =)**_

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_"I will drive past your house_

_And If the lights are all down _

_I'll see who's around"_

_-One way or Another _

_~ Until the Ribbon Breaks (__Version)_

She had been back from Tacoma 3 months. Three very long months, no Kozik, no club and certainly no Jackson Teller. Jax moved on right? So why couldn't she. Of course she picked the wrong man. A man who reminded her so much of her father manipulative, strong and ready to use his hands when he didn't get his own way. It was like she was fourteen again scared shitless running to Opies house after her father laid hands on her after another week long bender.

Now it wasn't so easy, Opie and Piney didn't live around the corner, the club wasn't just a ten minute drive away and there was no Gemma Teller to teach her how to be feisty. Most of all she missed Jax and the safety she felt when she was with him like no one could hurt her while he was by her side. She wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and ring Jax, Kozik Jesus even Gemma to ask for help. She couldn't do that to the club, the boys it wasn't an option.

She had taken a few self defence classes after moving away from Charming. A small town girl in the big city, she had seen more shit than any city girl had probably seen. She didn't know why she took the classes maybe to release the anger she felt for herself. She had been enough fights with girls, croweaters, her father even a few boys to know how to defend herself. With Josh it was so sneaky always willing to say I'm sorry with some grand gesture it was what reminded her of her father the most. Although her father never gave her anything he would grovel and cry like the broken man he was, until she would leave Opies to go home with him.

She had distanced herself from him, changed her schedule used alternative routes never the same way twice, changed her coffee shop, grocery store anywhere he knew she could be but nothing worked. She had walked into her apartment numerous times with him standing there saying he was worried she should of called. Another time he had a romantic dinner set up after that it was a police gala he wanted her to attend. He had gotten her a dress, a dress she would never wear. She flipped and he hit her not in the face but the stomach, the ribs places that would raise no suspicion to a room full of cops. He was very strategic in where he hit her not to raise questions he had hit her in the face twice a black eye and his palm print across her cheek. She had tried to get a restraining order but the cops laughed it off thought she was crazy. Until one day a female officer believed her and got her the RO. She thanked god and hoped this was the end of it.

Of course it wasn't he was lived, he was waiting for her at her apartment when she got back. She had never seen him this angry, it was like he was possessed. That night he took it too far, he slapped and beat her, eventually crawling on top of her when she was too weak to fight back. After it happened he kissed her cheek whispered I love you and drifted off to sleep. Tara was motionless, she could feel the sick in her throat, she wanted to scrub herself clean and she could feel the hot tears rolling down her cheeks. The next morning he woke up like nothing happened she decided to play along until he left for work. She rang the hospital told them she had to transfer and was taking her 2 weeks holidays until it happened. She started packing the necessities clothes, personal belongings and boxing anything else for the remove lists to bring back to Charming. She hoped this would throw him, make him think she was running home when in truth it was the last place she was going to lead Joshua Kohn to. She started bringing down her bags to the rental outside. She opened door coming face to face with a person she thought she would never see again.

"Jesus Christ Tara what the fuck happened" Gemma said turning Taras face with her hand.

"I...I...Gemma" Tara said shocked before wrapping her arms around her. Gemma was shocked by the action but hugged her back none the less.

"How about we go inside, you can tell me what happened and why you haven't been answering Koziks calls. Kozik and Jax are going all types of crazy, the club has a lot of shit going on that's why they sent me. Plus Jax knew if anyone could figure out what going on in that head of yours I would." Gemma said looking at Tara. Gemma had never seen the girl so broken, she looked like she didn't know what to do.

"Can I just put the rest of the stuff in my car have a coffee a few blocks away from here" Tara said hugging her body.

"Yeah...yeah sure I'll help you bring them down" Gemma sighed.

Thirty minutes later they were sat at a table in a small cafe on a side street.

"So you going to tell me what happened?" Gemma asked. Gemma plan was to come here and tell Tara of Jax impending wedding to the croweater but seeing her now she didn't even know how to tell her.

"I don't want you dragged into my shit" Tara said truthfully. This could have a lot of repercussions for the sons and Tara didn't want to bring that shit down on them.

"I'm here, I'm listening I can walk away once you told me what happened" Gemma said.

"I was seeing a guy"

"He did this?" Gemma snapped seeing red.

"He was nice at the start but things started turning violent. I tried to distance myself from him, get him to stay away. I even used the things I knew from Charming, how to lose a tail, changing routes all of it but nothing worked. I tried to get a restraining but they laughed it off until yesterday a female officer got the RO for me. By the time I got back to my apartment he was their and pissed, really pissed, he did this. I was too weak I couldn't stop him, he got on top of me I tried to fight but it was no use" Tara said tears running down her face. "I was avoiding Kozik calls because Josh is psycho would have freaked out. Worst of all he's ATF I couldn't bring my shit back on the club, on Kozik, Jax or you"

"Jesus! What are you going to do? Are you coming back to Charming?" Gemma asked squeezing her hand. "We can pretect you, keep you safe from him. If Jax knew"

"Jax or Kozik can never know they would end up hurt and I can't live with that. This is my cross to bear Gemma, I'm going to Boston. They've been scouting me for a while I'll get a job there." Tara said looking into her coffee.

"Tara they should know"

"No Gemma as you said shit with the club is crazy they don't need my shit and an ATF agent sniffing around. Can we just keep this between me and you?"

"I don't want to lie to Jax"

"This lie will keep him safe and out of jail Gemma"

"When are you going to realise Charming and the club us where you belong baby?"

"I know it's were I belong. I know it since the day I left but I had to do this"

"I know" Gemma scribbled down her number on a piece of paper. "Here's my number, if you need anything at all call me. And Tara" Tara looked up at Gemma. "Come home when your ready we'll all be there waiting. Your shit is our shit, you are family. I know Jax misses you. Donna really could use a friend with Op being in Stockton" Gemma kisses her cheek bending down and stuffing a 38 in her handbag. "Take care of yourself no matter what, use it if you have to"

"Thank you Gemma for everything" Tara sighed. They both knew what she meant not just for now but for all those years ago in Charming.

"I mean it Tara don't let shit get this bad again. You might not live to tell the tail next time. We are all only a phone call away don't forget that. Take Care." Gemma said putting on her glasses and leaving Tara alone letting her words sink in.

After ten minutes Tara walked outside to her rental got in the car and never looked back. Here's to a new start in Boston.

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"Did you see her?" Jax asked his mother before she was even out of the car.

"Thought you would be more concerned about your upcoming nuptials Jackson" Gemma said slamming her door and walking towards the office.

"Ma, come on tell me" Jax sighed.

"She's fine. She is moving. Got a new job, things have been hectic for her"

"To hectic to pick up the phone" Jax snapped.

"She didn't say much. You knew Tara wouldn't be too happy to see me Jackson. Now I have to catch up on the work I missed because you had me riding cross country to check up on your old lady. Oh sorry Tara I forgot the croweater has that title now" Gemma said coolly. "Go call Koz and tell him she's fine. She'll call when things settle down."

Jax stared at his mother he knew she could get Tara to talk. "Yeah I'll go do that by the way I'm getting married in Vegas on Tuesday, when we go see Uncle Jury about business"

"Good for you son! Getting married in Vegas really screams a wedding that's going to last." Gemma said before walking off to find Clay.

"Did you tell her about me getting married?" Jax shouted after her.

"No Jackson I didn't. Why would I do that?" Yes that was her plan that is why she finally agreed to go to stop Jax marrying the croweater but things change. Tara was in no fit state to come back and fight for Jax it could break her. Break them for good. She couldn't let that happen, she wouldn't let that happen.

"I don't know" Jax mumbled before fishing his cell out of his pocket.

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"Yo Koz"

"How is she? Why the fuck won't she answer my calls? Is she pissed at me? At you?" Kozik said without taking a breath.

"Wow! I don't really know my Ma is been all cryptic. Gave me some bullshit about Tara getting a new job and shit being hectic. She said that Tara would call you when things cooled down"

"You cannot be that busy to pick up the good damn phone for three whole months Jax. Something is going on with her and I don't like it" Kozik sighed. He hated that he couldn't just get on his bike drive there and see for himself what was wrong with her.

"I know Koz I wish I could to"

"Church is being called I got to go Teller. If I hear anything from her I'll let you know"

"I'll do the same" Jax said ending the call just as Wendy walked up to him. He still wished it was Tara but he had to move on nine years of moping had to come to an end.

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_**Hope it was ok. I was originally going to have Kozik go to see what was up but I decided on Gemma. I really love there love/hate relationship with each other. I think there is a lot of Gemma in Tara and that is why they clash. Anyway before I start to ramble thank to everyone who has reviewed added to favourites and to their story alerts. **_


	8. Shake it Off

**_I do not own Sons of Anarchy_**

**_For any new readers. This is a read upload I probably wrote this fic originally maybe two years ago. So there story is already written except the ending which I have been working on. I haven't really decided what way to take it yet I'm torn between two paths._**

**_Happy Reading and Happy Christmas =D_**

**_XXX_**

_Regrets collect life old friend_

_Here to relive your darkest moments _

_I can see no way, I can see no way_

_And all the ghouls come out to play _

_And every demon wants his pound of flesh_

_~Shake it off - Florence and The Machine_

_X X X _

Life had been good the last 5 months. Boston wasn't all that bad. Work was busy and there was never a quiet moment to stop and think. She had made some new friends and kept her cards close to her chest. She wasn't going to let Kohn ruin her life here. 6 weeks into her new life she discovered she was pregnant. She couldn't bare the thought of a child growing inside her that was his. It made her sick, she knew it wasn't the baby's fault. Tara couldn't have it, she hated it. Hated that it reminded her of what she went through, of him. She got an abortion the day after finding out. She doesn't regret it. Tara had called Kozik at least once a week just to let him know she was fine and to see how things in Tacoma were. He wanted to come see her but she just wasn't ready to face him yet. Scared he could tell she was hiding something. It scared her. It scared her that he could tell Jax or go after Kohn. That was the type of men they were, she knew it. She had witnessed it before. She hated Kohn for doing this to her. He was still probably in Chicago walking around like nothing had happened. Tara believed in Karma and karma was going to bite his ass soon.

"Doctor Knowles we have the results" Glad to be freed from her thought she thanked the nurse and continued on her rounds.

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He had married her five months ago and fuck what a mistake it was. Her addiction had gotten worse, he hated living with her. Every day was an endless battle with them. They always had something to fight about. She turned up at the clubhouse high and Gemma flipped. Jax remembers her exact words' being "Get your crack whore out of here" It was no secret Gemma hated her. Wendy knew it and so did he. She tried the whole old lady thing but failed miserably. She couldn't look after herself or him how was she going to help the club, old ladies and croweaters. He had made the second biggest mistake of his life the first was letting Tara go. Gemma was so going to throw an 'I told you so' in his face when he tells her he filed for divorce. He couldn't wait to be free of Wendy Case and all her crazy. The only thing that had made them last all these months was the sex. They had plenty of make-up sex. Jax knew if he called she'd come running, it was easy and that was something that bored him. When he was with Tara he enjoyed the chase. She wouldn't just give into his demands he had to work for it. Not that he minded the end result were mind blowing. Now he was stuck shacked up with some croweater, yes he even refers to her as the croweater. He wanted out and wanted out now. As prince of SAMCRO he could usually make demands like this but this time it wasn't that easy. She wasn't just going to let him go. Wendy liked the lifestyle she was living and she wasn't just going to let Jax take it away. He may not get the message across but Gemma would. Yeah that's right he going running to his Mom.

Walking into the T-M office he thought about turning around and walking away.

"Hey Baby" Gemma smiled. Glad that he hadn't brought the crank whore with him.

"Hey Ma! There's something I need to tell you" Jax sighed taking a seat. Gemma had finally stopped working on the paperwork in front of her and given him, her whole attention.

"What is it? You didn't knock her up did you? "Gemma said uneasily. That is the last thing he needed to do.

"NO! I um want to fill for divorce" Jax said handing her the papers.

"It's about time. Jesus, good for you Jackson. You can take your old dorm until all this shit it sorted out. Don't worry Roslyn and I will take care of everything. You will only have to sign your name" Gemma said happily. "God I can't believe Tig won the bet"

"What bet?"

"We bet on how long it was going to last, Tig was the closet" Gemma shrugged.

"Great to know the whole club was backing my marriage to last" Jax grumbled.

"Oh baby Wendy was never marriage material anyone could see that"

"Except me! Look Ma I got to go on a run. See you when I'm back" Jax said rising from his seat bending over the table to kissing her cheek.

"Be safe" Gemma sighed watching him leave.

"Oh and Jax I told you so"

"I know Ma"

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Joshua Kohn was not one to give up. Tara was the woman off his dreams. For five months he had been looking and searching for her. He didn't know what he had done wrong. He thought maybe someone had scared her. He knew he could make things right. He had read her file over and over, studying every bit of information he could find about her. He had pulled every resource he could to try find her. He eventually found out she had moved some stuff back home. He stayed in Charming for a month getting to know his surroundings, even sent his car to T-M for a service. He didn't see why the SAMCRO would appeal to a girl like Tara. He had seen her file she had been arrested a few times with Jackson Teller. He had asked around and found out some details about him. He also found out the Tara and Jax were in a relationship before she left Charming. That was it, it was like a light bulb went off in his head. Her past had caught up with her and scared her into running away, concerned for her own safety and his. He had to find her make sure she was ok. He tracked her last movements. The final straw was hacking her medical records. He looked through and found out she had an abortion. 6 weeks after she left. She had killed his baby, their baby. She wasn't thinking clearly, she was scared. The bikers had scared her and she was so scared for their safety she killed their baby so it would never get hurt. He could have protected them both. She didn't give him a choice. The women at Teller-Morrow had come to Chicago and she had left. Had she threatened her? Is that why she left? Tara would never leave him willingly. Now he knew where she was he could go talk to her, make her come back with him.

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"Yo T" Kozik voice came through the phone. Kozik never called her around now it was weird.

"Koz are you ok?" Tara asked concerned.

"Got my ass shot. Stuck in some hospital waiting to get the bullet removed" Kozik said winching in pain. "Dammit Mike that shit hurt"

"Quit being a pussy Kozzy" Mike snapped.

"How bad is it?"

"Through my shoulder"

"Ouch!" Tara said. "I'm going to come to Tacoma and make sure you take care of it properly"

"You don't have to do that"

"I want to and I'm not taking no for an answer" Tara informed him. "I'll book my flights now and hopefully I'll be in Tacoma by morning. Tell Mike to keep me updated."

"Fine T. I'm good though I can take care of myself" Kozik said rolling his eyes. Although he was quite happy to have her come see him after 8 months, it was too long.

"Yeah, yeah I'll see you soon Koz"

Just before hanging up she added. "Oh and Koz listen to Mike don't be a pussy"

Before he could even answer her she was gone.

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She didn't have much here some clothes, essentials and her laptop. Everything else she sent back to Charming, she didn't want anyone to know about her life. It was safer this way and easier to move if he found her, she wouldn't have to leave anything important behind. Packing for Tacoma was easy, boots, jeans and tops. She loved the MC and how easy it was to be around. For the last eight months she wanted nothing more than to run to SAMRCO or Tacoma. It gave her peace, made her feel calm, it was home. She caught a glimpse of her crow in the mirror and couldn't help but smile. Jackson Tellers crow. She hated that there was someone else who had it, it made her feel sick. She was his and nobody else like he was hers. People may think it was naive for her to get it and think they would last but deep down she knew they would always find their way back to each other. She quickly placed her last few bits in her bag before the taxi comes, checking her apartment before she leaves. Tara walked out the door looking the numerous locks she had.

"Tar Tar" She thought she was hearing things. Her mind playing tricks on her but there he was Joshua Kohn standing in the hallway.

**_I completely forgot this ended in a cliffhanger…. See you all after Christmas. ;) _**


	9. On Call

_**I do not own Sons Of Anarchy!**_

_**Hope you all had a lovely Christmas! TPAPOA will be updated tomorrow **_

_**Be prepared A LOT of dialect in this Chapter just sort of happened.**_

_**.**_

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_She said call me now baby, I'll come running _

_If you call me now baby, I'd come running _

_On Call -Kings of Leon _

"Joshua" Tara gasped. It had been a recurring nightmare for her since she left Chicago, that he would turn up at her door.

"Are you going somewhere?" Josh asked looking at the suitcase.

"I...I...Um my friend is sick I have to go see her" It was best to say her instead of him.

"Do you need a ride? We can catch-up. You can tell me all about how that lady from Teller-Morrow, Gemma I think her name is, said to you." He knew who Gemma was? Had he been watching? He would have stopped her. How the hell did he know about T-M? Had he been to Charming? "TarTar are you ok?" Josh said reaching his to rub her arm, it made her skin crawl.

"I'm fine really. I have a taxi on the way, she lives out of state." Tara smiled weakly. "Josh you know you shouldn't be here right? The R.O?

"Oh that was just a misunderstanding, I know you didn't mean it" She did, she meant it with every fiber of her being. Did he not understand why she had moved away?

"Josh the R.O I wanted it. I don't want you to come here again. I've moved on" The words moved on made him see red, his hand slapped her cheek before she got a chance to react. Tara didn't flinch stood her ground and looked him in the eye. "This is why I have a restraining order against you Josh you beat the shit out of me before. I won't let it happen again. You got that?"

Josh stared at the love of his life, she couldn't possibly mean those words. His TarTar would never say anything like that, it was that woman Gemma putting ideas into her head. "TarTar you don't mean it, you were going to have our baby but Gemma said something to you"

How did he know about the baby? Why the hell did he think Gemma knew? "You read my medical files? That is illegal. You should fucking know you ATF dick stop stalking me. Don't come back here Josh, EVER."

"I had to look into your files to find you, to make sure you were safe. Gemma called to Chicago and you runaway to here. They must have threatened you? I know about you and Jackson."

"You know nothing about my life or me and Jax. Gemma came to see was ok, I just happened to be coming here at the same time. She had nothing to do with my move nor does Jax or SAMCRO. Josh I will ask you to leave one last time or I'm calling the cops" Tara sighed reaching for her cell.

"We have to talk about this TarTar sort out our problems. We are good together"

"Were we good together when you slapped me for not getting my tattoos removed or when you hit me so hard you broke my ribs or maybe the time you RAPED ME and got me pregnant, Come on Josh tell me exactly when we were good together because I sure as fuck don't know when we were. The biggest mistake of my life was talking to you that night in the bar." Tara said venom in every word.

"TarTar what has gotten into you? This isn't you talking!"

"This is the Tara Knowles before she met Joshua Kohn"

"No it's not Tar! We love each other" Josh said simply putting his hand out to stroke her cheek.

"Don't you dare touch me" Tara snapped. She thanked god for her nosey neighbours at this point in time. Before things could escalate and further two cops rounded the corner.

"Is there a problem here Mam?" The younger of the two asked.

"This man here, I have a restraining order against him in Chicago and now he's turned up here. Can I file another one?" Tara asked.

"Yes Mam we just need details and we can file for one"

"There's no need Joshua Kohn ATF. We are just having a misunderstanding dear aren't we?" Josh smiled.

"I'm sorry but that does not apply to what is happening here. I have eye witnesses who saw you slapping this lady across the face who thought this was escalating enough to call us" The police officer said looking at him wearily.

"Miss if you would like to step inside we can take a complete statement"

"No problem" Tara said opening her door and entering her apartment. An hour later she was finished and in a taxi to the airport, she would never be so happy to see Kozik as she would be today.

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Kozik sat flicking throw the channels in his hospital room Happy was to his left and Mike to his right both in their own worlds. None of them had noticed the arrival of the petite brunette.

"Hey boys" Tara smiled.

"Hi Doc" Happy and Mike nodded.

"Tara" Kozik smiled warily as she picked up his chart.

"Everything looks good Koz. I don't even have to go make my presence known" Tara laughed.

"Now that Tara is here we better get back to the club" Mike said nodding at Happy to follow.

"Goodbye boys" Tara smiled. She knew he saw it even if the others never even blinked. She knew by the change in his posture, the way his jaw clenched that he now saw the hand print across her left cheek. As the others left she stayed quiet never looking him in the eye.

"You going to tell me what happened? Is this why you went off the radar? Jesus Tara!" Kozik sighed.

"I'm sorry" Tara said with tears in her eyes. "I...I didn't want you involved any of you"

"Involved in what T?" Kozik asked. This shit was scaring him, he had never seen her so...so broken. All he wanted to do was hug her but his fucking shoulder was stopping that from happening.

"I was seeing a guy. Things got bad Koz I wanted to keep you out of it keep you safe"

Kozik looked at her in disbelief. Trying to keep him safe? What kind of bullshit was she thinking? It never ceased to amaze him how her mind worked. "I should be keeping you safe T not the other way around"

"He was ATF"

"Jesus Christ! Are you crazy huh?

"I know he started slapping me around, stalking me, I got a R.O. against him. He freaked out he did nothing like the damage he did to me that night, he got on top of me I couldn't stop him Koz. I was so scared, I just wanted you, Jax or Gemma there. Gemma showed up that evening I told her not to tell you guys. I didn't want ATF breathing down your necks. I packed all my things moved to Boston found out I was pregnant and had an abortion. I was leaving to come here when he showed up, five months Koz I thought I was safe again. He slapped me, he didn't like what I had to say. I'm currently getting another R.O. against him there." Tara sat at the edge of his bed tears streaming down her face. It felt good to finally tell him.

"You should have told me. I'm going to kill that son of a bitch" Kozik said with anger Tara didn't know he had. "You're staying here where you're safe"

"I am not dragging ATF down here Kozik. This is my cross to bare, not yours." Tara said regaining her strength. "I am here to look after you and that is what I'm going to do. Right now I'm going to check when you can go home. I'll be back in a while once you calmed down. "Before he could say anything else she was gone. He picked up his phone and dialled the number.

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"What are these?" Wendy said marching into the clubhouse slamming them down on the table in front of Jax.

"What do they look like darlin'" Jax said looking at her.

"Don't give me that shit Prince. You're divorcing me?"

"That's what it says. You can't exactly be surprised by it?" Jax didn't know why she was so shocked he hadn't stayed in the house in over a month. They barely spoke and if they did it was because he needed some pussy.

"This is a big step, you sure you want to go down this road? I will take you for everything you got!" Wendy warned.

"Big treats for a little girl try staying clean to see it through" Jax said bitterly. He was pissed she had barged into the club in front of everyone. Who the fuck does she thinks she is? He didn't need this shit. Before Wendy could retreat at his last statement Gemma has swooped over.

"Do not threaten my son again. Do you hear me? This club doesn't take threats lightly." Gemma warned. Some little Crank ass slut wasn't going to scream at her son in his own god damn clubhouse.

Jax cell started ringing just as Wendy left.

"Yo Jax, how did you feel about a trip to Tacoma? Tara's here and she may need our help"

"I'll be there soon."

"Who was that baby?" Gemma asked.

"Kozik he thinks Tara might be in trouble" Fuck had the ATF agent got to her? Jesus she was supposed to call. She went running to Kozik and not home to SAMCRO is that how bad shit had gotten?

"I'm coming to"

"Ma"

"I'm going Jackson with or with you" Gemma said firmly.

Jax looked at his mother questionably "You know something"

"I know enough that I want to go see her"

"Are you going to tell me?"

"It's her story to tell. If she wants you to know she will tell you" Gemma shrugged. "I'm going home to pack pick me up in an hour" Jax knew the conversation with his mother had ended. It reminded him of been 17 again when Tara would confined in Gemma and Gemma wouldn't tell him what she said. All he knew is if Tara needed help he would give her help.

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_**Hope it was ok...Mostly a filler chapter next one should be up soon :)**_


	10. Lovesong

**_A lot of dialogue in this it's two chapters joined together. Thank you all for reviewing._**

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_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make feel like I am home again_

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I'm whole again_

_\- The Cure- Lovesong_

She knew something was up Kozik had been acting all kinds of weird since yesterday. First she put it down to the pain med but now she knew it was something else. Every question she asked he answered with a question. It was really starting to piss her off. The boys had relatively stayed away due to the fact Tacoma never had a dull moment. She had sat with Kozik every waking minute of the day until he would jump down her throat about getting some sleep. She didn't like his new found attitude not one bit. It reminded her to much of when Jax used to try hiding something from her.

She walked down the corridor of the hospital leading to Koz room. What she saw when she opened the room was something she never expected.

"Jax,Gemma" Tara smiled weakly. So this was why he was acting all shady. Kozik saw the mix of emotions in her eyes. He was fucked.

"Tara." Jax sighed walking towards her.

"Whatever Kozik told you it's not as bad as it sounds" Kozik scoffed and Tara gave him a death stare most outlaws couldn't pull off.

"He didn't say anything" Jax pleaded. He knew her well enough to know when Tara gets spooked she clams up and runs. It had been like this since he knew her.

"Tara, baby Koz is just worried about you. He thinks you might need some help. I think he's right judging from this" Gemma said turning her cheek into the light looking at the nasty bruise that has now developed along her cheek.

"It's my problem Kozik had no right calling you" Tara shock her head. It was her problem and she didn't need all of them getting inside her head. She had trusted Kozik with the information and he fucking ran and told Jax FUCK. She didn't know to laugh, cry, be pissed this was all too much.

"Tara we all want what's best for you" Jax tried to reason. "Are you going to tell us what happened?"

She wanted to say no. Instead she used the line she fed Kozik and Gemma. "I don't want this shit coming back on you or the club."

"That was our choice to make Tara not yours" Kozik informed. Oh yeah so much for taking her side traitor. It was three on one now and she could feel her tough exterior dropping by the second.

"It is my fucking choice to make. It's my life Kozik not yours" Tara informed him. No she wasn't going to let him bully her into telling Jax.

"So you coming running here because you don't want that shit coming back on me or the club huh?" Tara knew Kozik pain meds were starting to wear and now he was getting plain bitchy. Bitchy is what she needed because if he was being a bitch so could she.

"You are a grade A asshole you know that. I came here because you rang me and told me you were shot not to drag my shit here."

"Do you want us to just go?" Jax asked.

"No" Kozik informed him. "T I'm sorry my shoulder is killing me. I know you would never do that to me or the club"

"So why are you trying to bring you and the club into my shit?"

"Because Tara you are my old lady and if someone has hurt you or threatened you it's up to the club to take care of it." Jax informed her perfectly sure that is what she needed to here.

"Jackson you are married to that croweater. I am no longer your old lady" Tara said. She wasn't not anymore she was that girl.

"We got divorced Tara. Just tell me what's going on?"

"I can't"

"Why?"

"Because Jax you will never look at me the same. I can handle the looks from Gemma even Kozik but not from you ok?" Tara said with tears in her eyes.

"There's a room down the hall maybe you to would like to talk there?" The nurse asked. Neither had noticed her arrival but that was normal for them. They usually never noticed what was happening around them. Without saying anything more Jax took Tara hand and lead her down the hall.

"You think those two will be alright?" Kozik asked.

"They always are" Gemma sighed picking up the magazine she was reading before.

"Tell me what happened Tara? I've never seen you act like this before." It was true he hadn't not when her father laid hands on her or when they had one of their longer fights.

She stayed silent for a long time going over where to even start. How to tell the man who held her heart what another man had done to her. So she just did what she thought was best skimmed over the details from the start he had slapped her around, stalked her and she got R.O. that's all he needed to know. That's all she could tell him. She couldn't tell Jax he had raped her, she couldn't. She was scared of what he would do and the way he would look at her.

"Jesus, Tara why didn't you call me?" Jax couldn't understand why she wouldn't come to him. He knew they hadn't been on good terms but she was still his old lady.

"You had someone else Jax I'm not your problem anymore" Tara sighed running her hands over face.

"Tara you were not and never will be a problem for me got that? You were one if not the best thing that ever happened to me." Jax said taking her hand in his. She had been, he wasn't the same person since she left.

"You mean it?" Jax simply nodded. "I regretted leaving Charming the minute I left Jax, leaving you. My life just seems incomplete without you." Jax doesn't know what to say so he acts, he kisses her. He takes it as a good sign she doesn't stop him instead intensifies it. It was like they're sixteen again but now there was so much baggage attached. They could forget in that moment. He locked the door pulled the blinds and it was just them.

"We shouldn't be doing this here" Tara sighed into a kiss.

"I need you" Jax said kissing her again. That was she needed to hear nothing else mattered.

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"You two sure took your sweet time?" Kozik said as they walked back into the room.

"We had some thing's to catch up on" Jax smiled. Kozik rolled his eyes Tara shirt was buttoned up wrongs and Jax fly was open, catching up my ass.

Gemma smiled from the corner knowing what had happened. "Does this mean your returning to Charming baby?"

"Jax told me you're having some problems I don't want to drag ATF there. Kohn thinks I'll run there he doesn't know about Tacoma so I'm going to stay here with Kozik. If that's ok with you Koz?"

"T you can stay as long as you want. I'll take care of your old lady prince" Kozik smiled widely

For the next two days Tara and Jax were inseparable exploring each other's bodies, the bodies they both new so well.

"I'll see you soon Teller"

"Yeah soon Knowles" Jax said pulling her in for one last kiss.

Gemma pulled her into a hug. "See you soon Baby. Don't leave coming back to long this time"

"I won't" Tara said simply. She watched them leave wanting nothing more than to go with them, him.

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"Where is he?" Tara snapped walking into the clubhouse. She was pissed she didn't know who more at him or her. She should have seen it coming, she was a god damn doctor. It had taken one of the brothers to notice. She wanted to cry, hit the wall or preferably his face. She hadn't felt this frustrated in a long time. She walked through the clubhouse to the backroom. She looked at him for a moment saw the sorrow, the guilt and the frustration in his eyes.

"How did it get this bad?" Tara said leaning against the door. Scared to get closer to him unable to trust herself fully on what she would do if she got closer to him.

He looked at her slummed against the counter top. He saw the way she looked at him pain, fear and guilt in her eyes. He felt a new pang of guilt overcome him.

"I don't know!" He honestly didn't. It was fine the first week but then it got worse. He had gone back to soon. He should have listened to her. Listened to the advice she had offered him but he brushed her off told her he would be fine. Now he knew he wasn't fine that it was stupid of him to ever think it was a good idea. He was in too deep AGAIN.

"You could have come to me. We could have done something, I could of"

"This isn't on you Tara. This is my fault my own stupidity."

"Let me help you. We can deal with this together" Tara sighed taking a step closer. He hadn't looked at her since she walked into the room. She wanted to go and hug him tell him they would get through this.

"I just thought it would be ok. Thought I was over it. Didn't think it would still affect me the way it does."

"Koz it'll always affect you. Prescription meds are tricky you should have told me you were in pain. I should have picked up on the signs. Why didn't you tell me your shoulder still hurt? It's been two months!" Tara said firmly. "Your going to do this cold turkey you got me?" Before he could even agree to anything Tara was walking out of the room.

"What's the news Doc?" Bones said walking in step with her. Bones was the Tacoma president taking over his father's position in the club.

"Cold turkey" Tara simply said.

"Cold turkey?" Mike said finally coming to stand at the other side of her.

"I think it's the fastest way. He has done it before he knows what it entails. Just lock him in a room and let it leave his system. Giving him more meds could fuck him up worse than he already is." Tara sighed. Both the men nodded before giving instructions to various members standing around.

"Hey Doc" Happy said. "This isn't on you. Remember that."

Tara looked at Happy giving him a weak smile. It was short and sweet and very Happy but it was just what she needed to hear.

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Jax sat waiting at Stockton. It had been a three months since he last saw his best friend. He was still pissed at Kyle for what he had done. He would never see him as a brother again. Ops five years were nearly up and Jax couldn't wait for his brother to be a free man.

"Brother" Opie said taking his seat across from Jax. Jax had to admit since Opie had gone inside he had bulked up not that he wasn't big before but now he was more toned and defined.

"Good to see you Op" Jax smiled. It had been rough without him. Since they were in diapers they were inseparable and then he ended up in here. It wasn't like he hadn't done his stint or two in here. He didn't think they were going to be his last either.

"Donna told me you've been seeing Tara" Op said casually. It had been no hidden fact then when Tara Knowles left Charming she left with Jackson Tellers heart. Opie had witnessed firsthand at how fucked up it had left him. He thought he would never have his friend back to the way he was. Looking at him now he saw that familiar glint back in his eyes, that oh so mischievous grin now played on his features. He was glad to have his best friend back.

"Yeah we've been kind of seeing each other the last three months. It isn't serious" Jax added. He didn't really know who he was trying to convince himself or Op.

"You and Tara could never be not serious, I'm happy for you man. How's your crazy wife taking it?" He had never had the privilege of meeting her but from what he heard he didn't really want to. Opie thought Jax picked the most fucked up croweater he could find to try forgetting the calm and collect Tara Knowles.

"Ex-wife" Jax corrected. "Divorce finally came through last week. She doesn't really know about it. Tara is staying in Tacoma. That's some shit I really don't want to get into man."

"Tacoma?" Opie said. "Whatever man! You two just get your shit together by the time I'm out. I don't think I can listen to you pinning after her again"

"Yeah Bro. That gives me what 5 months? I think I can handle that" Jax grinned. "So how's life in the big house?"

"Otto and Lenny are keeping a watchful eye over me along with the rest of the Big House Crew." Opie said.

They continued on with their conversation until the guards started rounding them up to return to their cells.

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Jax walked calmly into the Tacoma clubhouse. He was all too happy club business had been crazy between Tacoma and SAMCRO. He watched as a two prospects played cards outside a room door. He saw Tara talking calmly with Mike, Bones and Happy all not noticing his presence.

"Yo Teller" Randy said slapping his back playfully. Randy was VP of Tacoma was a bit smaller than Jax but was a lot more built.

"Hey Randy, anything I should know about?" nodding his head in the general direction of where Tara stood.

"Oh you don't know" Randy said with a raised brow. "It's Kozik got himself fucked up on his pain meds. Doc sure is beating herself up over it."

"Ah I see. How bad is he?"

"He's been locked in that room for three days. I honestly don't know whose worse Koz or the doc. She won't even go to her shifts at the hospital. Mike, Bones and Happy are trying to talk some sense into her." Jax looked over at them again. He didn't notice the first time but now he could see the dark circles under her eyes, the pain in her eyes.

"I'll talk to her Bro. Juice, Chibs I'll talk to you guys in a minute" Jax said making his way over to the others.

It took her a moment to realise it was him. So much shit had happened in the last few days that her body and mind were having a hard time keeping up. Her body ached all she wanted was a long hot bath preferably with Jax in it to. Bones was now issuing his case that he needed Kozik to do a run. Carefully told her that he was in fact sergeant of arms and he needed him. Tara argued her case that Kozik wasn't ready for a run yet and it may take a while before he is. Happy and Mike had made their way over to play referees and to try convince Tara to go back to work. When she saw him she didn't know if she wanted to run into his arm, demand that he tell them to leave Kozik recover or to just break down and cry.

"Hey guys mind if I steal Tara for a minute" Jax said leaving no room for argument. He brought her outside for privacy they now sat on the wall. She hadn't said anything he didn't know if he should take it as a good or bad sign. "Randy told me about Koz. I'm sorry Tara. You know this..."

"Don't even say this isn't on me. I'm a fucking doctor Jax I should have seen the signs. I let him get like this."

"He let himself get like this"

"I should have seen it coming. I knew about his past giving him those meds, I should have thought." Tara said violently wiping the tears that had fallen onto her cheek away.

"Hey, Hey" Jax said cupping her face. "This isn't on you. Kozik had a relapse which a lot of addicts have. It's not uncommon Tara. You can't keep beating yourself up like this. Kozik doesn't blame you"

"But I blame me Jax"

"You shouldn't. Look at me." Jax said gently wiping the tears away with his thumb. "You are the kindest hearted person I know. Kozik will get through this. Now you need to get back to work and sleep Tara. I'm sorry babe but you look like shit"

"Thanks Teller. You really know how to make a girl feel special" Tara smiled weakly. She knew herself she looked like shit.

"Babe you look like you haven't slept in days"

"I haven't" She hadn't not since they locked Kozik into the room. Whenever she closed her eyes it haunted her, his begging her to give him pills. It broke her heart her best friend was in such pain yet she couldn't do anything for him.

"Knowles you and I are going to bed. I'm not taking no for an answer." Jax said leading her up to the apartment. It wasn't long until they were both stripped down Jax to his boxers, Tara to his SOA t-shirt and underwear. Jax pulled her close to him whispering in her ear telling her of what was happening in Charming. The comfort of his voice finally lulled her off to sleep. Jax sighed happily before falling asleep himself. It never ceased to amaze him how her presence made everything else seem like nothing.

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	11. Be Still

_If you forget the way to go_

_And lose where you came from _

_If no one is standing beside you_

_Be still and know I am_

_Be Still - The Fray_

"Doctor Knowles, Doctor Knowles" One of the nurses said gently touching her arm.

"What? Uh sorry" Tara said apologetically. She was tired, moody and light headed. Her head wasn't in work today.

"Are you ok? You look a bit pale"

"I'm fine just not 100% today. It's been a long week" Tara said truthfully.

"You can say that again" There had been two major crashes, a fire at a school and some other cases that had the hospital on high alert. It had taken it out of everyone. "Got any plans for your time off?"

"I have a few friends visiting. There's going to be a party for a homecoming" Ghost one of the Tacoma charter was being released from a two year stint in prison. She had asked Happy why they had called him ghost 'He gets in and out, you don't seem him unless he wants you to.' She didn't really understand it because he ended up in jail. She looked back at the nurse. "Do you have any plans?"

"My sister's kids birthday nothing exciting. I hope you have a good weekend. I think you ride is here." The nurse nodded to a prospect who Tara thinks is called Hugh walking towards her. There would only be one reason a prospect is here the boys had gone on a run.

"Yeah that's my ride. Have fun at the party Alice" Tara smiled before picking up her bag and going to meet the prospect.

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Charming had been mayhem. The Mayans had been all over there asses the last few weeks. He was getting to Tacoma less and less. It was pissing him off. Tara phone calls were coming less and less but maybe it was the fact that he was always too busy to talk was pissing her off to. He was sick of dealing with this shit.

"Don't worry Jackie boy you'll see her later" Jax looked at him in confusion. "Don't tell me you forgot? Ghost is getting out of the big house. We're taking a trip to Tacoma." Chib said matter-of-factly.

Jax took a minute to comprehend what Chibs was actually talking about. Fuck. He thought that was next week but next week was actually this week, as the saying goes time flies when you're having fun. "Fuck Bro I didn't realize that was this weekend"

"Thought you be counting down the days Jackie. The wee doc will be glad to see you" Chibs said squeezing his shoulder before taking his seat at the table.

"Now if you ladies are ready lets start" Clay said with the gavel in his hand.

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"Hey babe" Jax said. Tara could see his smile that smirk on his face.

"Teller" Tara said teasingly. She had missed him. Anytime he actually got to Tacoma there was so much shit going on, she barley got to spend any time with him. She knew he was as pissed as she was about it. She knew what it was like she remembered from when she was back in Charming. Sometimes she feels like she was teleported back in time to when she was 18.

"Miss me?"

"Of Course! Is there a reason you called? Or did you just want to hear my voice?" Jax smiled to himself, he forgot how much of a tease she could be.

"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. You seem happier anything you want to tell me?" Jax noticed the change in her voice. She sounded more upbeat like she was on top of the world.

"Kozik has been clean for a month. I'm so proud of him he went on his first run today"

"You know you sound like a Mother talking about her kid right?" Jax teased. He didn't understand the relationship they had at first but now he became to realise it was just like a brother/sister one.

"Shut up! You are ruining my good mood. I am currently sitting in the clubhouse drinking a beer while everyone except the prospects are on a run. Life is good Teller. I hear your coming to see me?" Tara teased.

"Not you pretty lady, Ghost. You just being there is a bonus. You never know me and you could sneak away spend some time together." Jax really wished they could.

"You're offering up missing a party for me? I'm touched Teller, really I am"

"Smart ass"

"You know you sound like Gemma when you say that" Tara joked.

"I'm going now. Bye Knowles"

"Did I touch a nerve? Bye Jax. See you tomorrow" _I love you_. She hung up the phone. Sometimes their relationship was so easy. Easy never lasted long and there was always something or someone waiting to fuck it up.

"Yo T" Kozik said coming through the door first. She hadn't seen him like this since before he got shot in the shoulder. He looked happy content and it was infectious. He gave her a brief hug before taken the beer out of her hand and drinking it.

"Hey" Tara said before rolling her eyes and picking up another beer. "How did it go?"

"Good. It feels good to be back in the action you know? It's been to long" Kozik said truthfully.

"Are you taking bout the run or the pussy?" Tara said looking where he was, at the croweater currently sitting across the room giving him the eyes.

"Both" Kozik winked before pushing away from the bar and making his way over to her. All she could do was laugh it was good to have him back to his usual self.

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"Hello" Tara mumbled. Who the fuck was calling her at 3am? She had only been in bed and hour.

"Is this Tara Knowles?"

"This is she"

"I'm sorry to inform you but your father Mark Knowles had been in an accident. The paramedics performed CPR on the scene but they couldn't revive him. I'm sorry for your loss Miss. Knowles."

"Thank you" Tara said before hanging up the phone and sitting up in her bed. She packed a small bag before walking out of the clubhouse. She didn't want to talk she just needed to do this. Back to Charming it would only be for a day or two then she would come back here like nothing happened. She left a note for Kozik telling him she would call when she landed and explain where she had gone. She didn't want anyone to know. She needed to do this on her own.

Tara hadn't stepped foot in Charming in just over nine years. It had been a place that had brought her many good memories but many bad ones to. She had fallen for Jax here, became a part of a family but she lost a family to. The day her mother died had broken her father. She knew that to well. She had been the one to look after him for nine years. At the age on ten losing your mother and your father turning into an alcoholic would have broken anyone.

She sometimes wonders how no one took her away from him. Did they not see the bruises? She wondered how many people passed her father wandering drunk home. Everyone seemed to know what was going on but no one seemed to care. Everyone somehow felt sorry for her father losing his wife and being a single father. Tara would have felt that way to if she didn't have to practically bring herself up. Things began to change the Knowles tragedy became old news. The meals people would bring stopped coming. Tara heard the whispers the slowly started to change at first it was 'she lost her mom' is soon changed to 'she's drunken Marks daughter'. Tara didn't care her mother warned her that small towns would always gossip. She was right. Tara found that out first hand.

She can't say she has that many good memories of her father. She can't remember many from before her mother died or it might be all the bad ones shadowed the good. Either way her father had left a mark on her that she would never forget.

She stood outside the morgue, catching her breath. She didn't feel bad for not coming back to see him. He didn't make an effort with her so why would she make one with him. It didn't appeal to her to relive her teenage years by coming back to Charming and seeing the two men that molded her into what she is today. She sent a present for his birthday and Christmas. She rang him every few months most of the time he was out. She resorted to leaving some lame message on the answering machine and not trying again. He had rung her a few times drunk she wouldn't expect much else. His untimely end hadn't come as much of a shock to her. She knew alcohol would be the death of him.

Lost in her own thoughts she jumped when her phone started vibrating.

"T you said you'd call" Kozik breathed down the phone. She had been there for him the last few months. They had grown even closer which she didn't think was possible.

"I'm in Charming" Tara blurted out. She didn't think she could handle a full rant from Kozik. She wasn't in the right head space. She needed to do this and get out of this stupid town before anyone even realized she was there.

"You're what? But Jax is like an hour outside Tacoma" Kozik said even more confused now. He sometimes didn't understand how her mind worked. It was like she had riddles going on in her head. She would work them out step by step even if it was a step backwards.

"I'm not here for Jackson" There was something about her tone that made Kozik more alert.

"Then why?" Kozik simply asked. She didn't answer for a couple of minutes. He knew she was still there from the light breathing on the other side of the phone.

"I'm here for my dad. He died, crashed his car coming back from the bar. He didn't even make it from the scene." Tara explained. Somehow she couldn't detach herself from this. She didn't know was it because he was the last piece of close family she had or if she was actually going to miss the man she hadn't seen in ten years.

"Jesus Tara!" Kozik sighed. "You should have told me"

"I'm telling you now" Tara grumbled.

"What's up your ass, even before this happened with your dad. You've been so moody. Look Tara all I'm saying is we're your family. You shouldn't keep shit like this from us. You should know that we would all want to be there for you." Kozik said quickly. He patients were wearing thin, Tara pushed all the wrong buttons sometimes.

"That's why I didn't tell you" Tara sighed running her hand over her face. "I didn't want you all here. I didn't want him to have a funeral like John Tellers. He doesn't deserve it. I need to do this on my own because it was always going to end this way. I need to do this for me. I didn't tell you or Jax because Jax hated him I understand why. I don't want you here because it is hypocritical on both ends. My father hated the MC and the MC hated my father. I think the one last thing I can do for him before he goes down in the ground is keep the MC away from it." Tara leaned against the wall. Her head was hurting, her body ached all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.

"Tara you're family you should have told us, you should have told me. Just do me one favor ring Jax and tell him. I think he deserves to hear it from you. He should be here in less than an hour now. Give him a call. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Please call me if you need me" Kozik sighed. He knew she could be so stubborn sometimes so he gave her the space she needed.

"Thank you Koz. I'll call him. I promise to call you if I need you. I'll be back in Tacoma tomorrow evening. Goodbye" Tara said hanging up the phone. She put it back into her pocket before gently turning the door knob into the morgue.

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At first she just thought about how cold it was. She felt the shiver run down her spin, she could she her breath in front of her. It reminded of her of the time her father forgot to pay the heating bill. Her thoughts quickly shifted back to her father. She gently ran her hand over the sheet that covered his body. She hesitated for a slight moment before finally lowering it.

She stood there for a moment unable to move. He hadn't changed much. His hair was greyer, his stomach more rounded, a few wrinkles had gathered around his forehead and eyes. Nothing else about him had changed. It shocked her a bit but she quickly gathered herself again. She stood looking at him unsure what she should do next.

"You know you scared the shit out of me for most of my teenage years. Some kids idolised their fathers, you know the daddy's little girls. I would have to say our relationship couldn't have been further from that if we tried. I know since Mom passed you were never the same man. I think sometimes you wished you died that day to. Being honest sometimes I wished it to."

Tara looked down again at her father. He looked so peaceful. It made her mad somehow, how he was finely at peace and she still had to live with all the shit that happened.

"I know you hated Jax well more me with Jax. Sometimes I thought it was because we have what you and mom had. I think it brought back to many memories for you."

She took another breath as she gently fixed a piece of hair that was out of place.

"You know when you were sober it reminded me of before Mom died. You were so sweet on those rare days. I think that's what pissed me off the most that I knew the real you was still in there." She said pointing at his heart.

"However much I hated you, I think you hated yourself more. I was going to call you soon you know. I was going to call with good news, I didn't really know if you would have cared. You see me and Jax found each other again. Everything is back on track."

Tara smiled to herself thinking about it.

"I was going to tell Jax first but seeing as this is going to be the last time we're alone together I'm going to tell you first. I'm pregnant. I'm only eight weeks. You're going to be a granddad."

Tara took her father's hand tracing his wedding ring.

"You know Dad however much I tried to really hate you, I never really could. At the end of the day you were my dad and I loved you. I hope you finally are at peace and Mom is waiting for you. I think I've finally come to my peace to. Rest in Peace Dad." She let go of her father's hand wiping away the tear the fell from her eye pulling out her phone.

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Kozik had practically run from the clubhouse after getting off the phone with Tara. He didn't want to lie to his brother. When Jax arrived he asked where Tara and Kozik were but was greeted by empty shrugs. He was just about to call Tara when he saw her name flash on his phone.

"Hey Babe! I know I said I was coming for Ghost but I was hoping to see your pretty face to." Jax teased.

"I know Jax!" Tara sighed. "Look there's something I got to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"I'm in Charming!"

Jax didn't say anything for a moment. Why would Tara be in Charming? "Something happened with your dad" Jax finally realised the only other reason Tara would return to Charming.

"He's dead" Tara said leaning against the doorframe of her old room. "Drink driving. I knew it was going to happen someday. No one could be that lucky."

"I'm coming back" Jax announced leaving no room for argument.

"You're not" Tara said simply.

"I'm not?" Jax said shocked and a little pissed. "To hell I'm not your family need to be there for you, I need to be there for you."

"You and my dad never got along Jax. You two hated each other. He hated the MC to. I just need to do this on my own Jax. I know you want to be here for me and I love you for that but I need to do this alone. I need to do it for me. I'll be back in Tacoma tomorrow." Tara said hoping Jax would understand.

He knew every word she said was right. He hated Mark Knowles for everything he put his daughter through and so did SAMCRO. He never understood the undying loyalty she showed him. He knew damn well he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve her. "Ok babe are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah I am. I love you Jax"

"Love you too Tara" Jax sighed before ending the call.

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_**We're slowly getting closer to season 1 **_


	12. Be My Baby

_The night we met_

_I knew I needed you so_

_And if I had the chance_

_I'd never let you go_

_So won't you say you love me_

_I'll make you so proud of me_

_We'll make em turn their heads_

_Every PLACE we go_

_So won't you please_

_Be my, be my baby_

_~Be My Baby -Ronnettes_

It had been a rough two days. Being back in Charming had brought back so many memories. It was not just emotionally draining but physically to. She didn't know if it was the baby or her father death maybe it was both. She walked silently through the clubhouse. She hadn't told the boys when her flight was landing because she wanted to get herself together before she saw them all. She looked through the lot to see most of the bikes missing. She breathed a sigh of relief she could get a shower and freshened up before the inquisition started.

She walked into the apartment dropping her bag on the floor, leaving a trail of clothes to the bathroom. She let the hot water calm her freeing up the tensed muscles she had since that call. She stepped out of the shower after a half an hour. She stood in front of her floor length mirror taking in her appearance. She knew it wasn't possible to have a bump yet but it didn't stop her from checking every time she changed. She shuck her head smiling to herself before brushing out her hair and drying it.

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Kozik, Jax and the rest of the boys sat on their bikes outside the prison. Ghost was well one of the scariest fuckers Jax had ever encountered. He was at least 6ft, broad shoulders, dark hair and brown eyes. If his appearance didn't intimidate you, his attitude would. He was like Tig on another level. Clay had even tried to get him to Charming but his family was Tacoma and he wasn't leaving his family. The buzzer rang and out he stepped. He looked different his brown hair was now gone he had doubled in size, which looked like nothing but muscle.

"Brother" Bones said pulling his fellow member into a hug. Jax thoughts were brought to Opie. He looked on at the Tacoma chapter greeting their fellow brother. He thought of how this would be him and SAMCRO greeting Opie out of Stockton.

"You brought all the troops. SAMCRO don't just show up for anyone you know." Ghost said. His voice was husky it reminded Jax of Happys.

"Can we break this up now we have a party to get to. " Kozik said rolling his eyes. Jax stifled his laugh before he got himself in shit.

"Always a smart ass Koz. Good to see you brother. He's right though you better have prime pussy for my homecoming" Ghost said as he got onto his bike.

"For you anything" Kozik mocked starting his bike.

"Let's just get back to the clubhouse before you two kill each other. We don't want you locked up when you're just out." Bones said in a warning voice.

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Tara helped the old ladys get shit ready for the party. They were going to have a family meal but when Mikes's old lady Delilah suggested it the whole club broke into fits of laughing.

"Beer?" Trish said handing it to Tara.

"I'm fine thanks" Trish looked at Tara for a moment in all the months she had been here she never refused a beer. Tara hesitated for a minute. "I'm on call. After taking the last few days off I could get any more time."

Trish continued checking the food. "Good cover story. You almost had me. Next time you feed someone the line you be sure not to put your hand on your stomach." Tara looked at her like a fish out of water, she hadn't even realized she had done it. "Most people wouldn't notice but being queen bitch and having three kids it was easy to pick up on. It also explains why you've been so moody." Trish added with a shrug. "Don't worry your secrets safe with me. I take it you haven't told Jax?"

"I didn't get a chance to yet. I only did a test the other day. I don't know how he'll react." Tara said honestly.

"Like most of the boys around here freak out but then realise that kid is going to carry his legacy or be his little princess. He might be scared but Jackson Teller would never walk away from you or your baby." If Charming had Gemma, Tacoma had Trish, the prez Bones old lady. In look they were polar opposites. Trish was blonde, blue eyed, legs that went on forever and curves in all the right places.

"Thank you" Tara said simply.

"No problem baby" Trish said as the roar of motorbikes started to fill the air. She followed Trish outside to see the bikes starting to pull up. He saw her before she saw him.

"Hey babe, how are you holding up?" Jax said kissing her lips.

"I'm fine, as good as could be expected. I think it took me by surprise that I was upset about him passing." Tara said honestly.

"He was still your Dad Tara of course you would be." He placed his arm around her shoulder as they walked into the clubhouse. Tara saw this monster of a man walk towards her it had to of been Ghost, she knew everyone else.

"Ghost this is my old lady Tara. She's been staying in Tacoma with you guys." Jax said proudly. Ghost didn't say anything just looked at her suspiciously.

"It's finally nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you." Tara said extending her hand. Ghost took her hand and shook it.

"I remember you from way back. The two of you used to cause so much shit in Charming that's what I loved about you. Glad to see you two lasted." Ghost said before turning around and walking into the middle of some club sweatbutts.

"I think we just got the most shot crazy guys seal of approval "Jax whispered into Taras ear causing her to leave out a laugh. A sweatbutt came and handed them both beers. Tara put up her hand and shook her head letting her know she didn't want it.

"Babe, have a beer it's been a tough few days for you, it'll help you unwind." Jax said taking the two beers from the sweetbutt.

"I'm on call baby, I'd love to but I can't" Tara said looking up at him.

"Did they not give you a few days off?" Jax asked. He thought they would spend the next few days together without any interruptions.

"I'm sorry baby but with getting the last few days off, I couldn't. The hospital is short staffed my cover is out on maternity leave." Tara said regretfully. Jax nodded and decided to let it go.

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"T" Tara heard the voice call, she knew who it was she didn't even have to look. He hugged her close before checking her over. "How are you? I wish I could have been there for you!"

"I know Koz but I needed to do this by myself. I know you would have been right by my side if I asked." Tara said kissing his cheek. "I couldn't ask for a better best friend."

"You know you'll get no one better" Kozik teased earning himself a smile. "I don't like seeing you sad"

"I know Koz. Enjoy tonight, welcome home you brother I have to go find the prince" Tara said using Kozik name for him.

"Booty call" Kozik shouted after her causing her to roll her eyes. He could be so immature sometimes well maybe all the time.

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Tara and Jax lay in her bed catching their breath. They had snuck away from the party just over two hours ago wanting nothing more than to be alone. Tara thought luck must be on her side because she hadn't got called into work.

"I missed this" Jax said pulling Tara closer.

"Me too" Tara yawned. She missed just him being there when she got into bed. It never failed to amaze her how him just being there could change her mood, make her feel safer.

"Come back to Charming" Jax asked in a whisper. "It's been 6 months now, he hasn't showed up. The club will protect you"

Tara raised herself slightly in the bed. "It's too much of a risk. He's ATF he could hurt the club, hurt you. I couldn't deal with that."

"We can't keep doing this. This, us being apart Tara isn't working. I can't stop thinking about you. Late night calls, seeing each every other week it's just not what I want. I need you there when I come home. I want you to be the first face I see in the morning and the last I see at night. "

"I...I...I'm scared Jax. What if he finds me? What if he hurts someone I care about? Tacoma is safe he expects me to go running home to you." Tara said tears brimming her eyes. "It's not just me and you to worry about anymore"

"What are you talking about?" Jax asked in confusion. If she was talking about the club or Gemma he had half a mind to just drag her back to Charming.

"I'm pregnant" _Now that he wasn't expecting._

He didn't speak, he didn't move, he couldn't. He could face guns, gangs and danger but a baby that was foreign ground. He could see Tara's face changing but as much as he wanted to reassure her, he couldn't. For the first time in Jackson Tellers life he was truly scared. He had got married to the junkie because he was lonely it didn't scare him because he knew it would never last. He always knew if Tara showed up they would be done. Tara was everything to him but it was always just the two of them. A baby was a little life that depended on them, on him.

"I...I...I have to go" Before Tara could say anything else he was gone.

He knew he shouldn't of left. Tara was probably breaking down thinking she was in this alone. He did what he always did when he needed to think got on his Harley and rode around Tacoma. It wasn't that he didn't want kids, kids with Tara always was on the cards. He just didn't know if he was ready. Having kids had always been something he planned on having, they had to carry on his legacy, their legacy. He knew Tara would be a great Mom, he just didn't know if he would be a great dad. What would happen if he didn't make it back from a run? What if he met the same faith that his father did? He was thinking too much. Tara was having his baby, their baby. That is all that mattered.

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She sat there in her bed shocked. She knew Trish had warned her about his reaction but she still wasn't completely ready. She had half a mind to pick up the phone and call Gemma. She decided against it due to the fact she didn't know how Gemma would react. She hated feeling this out of control. She went from a man who wanted nothing more than the white picket fence to the guy who would cringe even thinking about it. She knew who Jax was, she knew what the Club was. She could never say she didn't know what she was getting into.

They had always been careful even back when they were young and naive. It had come as nothing short of a shock to her when she decided to take a test, even more when it turned positive. There are so many things still up in the air. Wendy still wasn't out of the picture either was Josh and then there was the fact she was still in Tacoma. Tara sighed to herself nothing had ever worked out perfectly for her she should of known nothing would now. She moved towards the small kitchenette in the apartment making some herbal tea. She was just pouring it when the door swung open shutting soon after, she knew it was him. She felt his arms circle her waist.

"I'm sorry" He sighed. He knew he had to choose his next words carefully. "I'm scared Tara! A baby? That's foreign ground to me. I can deal with club shit but a baby? "

Tara turned in his arms to look into his eyes. "Jackson Teller, do you know you sound just like every other first time parent? We have been through so much shit together a baby is a good thing. I know it isn't exactly the most ideal circumstances with everything going on but we can do this."

"How do you know?"

"I know because Jackson we got through everything else life as thrown at us. A baby is a good thing. You helped with Ellie and Kenny before you know how to make a bottle and change a diaper?" Jax nodded in response. "See you know more than you think you do!" Tara said rather smugly.

"I always get to give Ellie and Kenny back with this baby it's for life."

"That is the general idea babe but after eighteen they usually move out" Tara said rolling her eyes.

"We're having a baby" Jax smiled his crocked grin.

"Yeah I guess we are" Tara said as Jax pulled her into a kiss.

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Tara walked through the clubhouse looking at the mess that lay around her. Her feet stuck to the floor, the boys and the sweetbutts were thrown randomly around. She walked further through the clubhouse the stench getting worse and worse, she felt the vile rising in her throat. She spent the next half an hour in the bathroom with her head stuck in the toilet bowl. She left the room, she didn't know if the smell in there had made her worse, she made her way outside. She really felt sorry for the prospects that would have to clean up this mess. She welcomed the smell of the morning air, morning sickness was a pain in the ass.

"Hey babe" Jax said handing her a glass of O.J. "I think we missed one hell of a party"

Tara looked back inside taking a second look at the carnage from last night. "Uh huh I think Ghost got just what he wanted."

They sat in a comfortable silence each left to their own thoughts. Jax broke it after a while. "When are we going to tell Ma?"

"Soon I want to wait until I'm three months" Tara said with a smile. "There is more a chance of complications before three months you know miscarriages stuff like that. I want to wait just to be sure you know, not get everyone hopes up. Heir to the Teller thrown is kind of a big deal" Tara teased.

"Yeah...Yeah I guess it is. You know Gemma is going to ride your ass the whole pregnancy?"

"I couldn't see it being any other way" She couldn't she knew Gemma would. It wasn't that she minded being honest she was just as scared as Jax having someone who knew what they were doing is always good. "How do you think she's going to take it?"

"I don't know but I know she'll be happy I didn't knock up Wendy." Jax laughed putting his arm around her.

"You're such an ass" Tara laughed.

"Baby I could never see myself having a baby with anyone else." Jax said honestly.

"Me either" Tara smiled.

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_**So there's a few more chapters left **_


	13. Ex-Factor

_**Sorry for the long wait dolls. I've been having some drama with technology but I'm back. This update is short, sorry. Fun Fact this is the last chapter I wrote the first time I wrote this fic. So this is why the chapter is short. I have most of the new chapters written out up until the arch into season 1 of the show. I just have to type it up. My other fic should be updated in the next few days as it is mostly written but it needs a few tweaks. **_

_**Sorry for rambling. I picked Ex-Factor for this chapter because I love the song LOL. No but seriously it describes Jax and Tara's relationship perfectly. Mostly in the earlier days of their relationship probably up until she left. **_

_It could all be so simple_  
_But you'd rather make it hard_  
_Loving you is like a battle_  
_And we both end up with scars_  
_Tell me, who I have to be_  
_To get some reciprocity_  
_No one loves you more than me_  
_And no one ever will_

_~Lauryn Hill ~ Ex-Factor_

"Jesus Jax" Gemma paced T&amp;Ms office. "She just draws you in doesn't she? She can't stay in Tacoma. She's need to be here." She stopped giving her soon a look. "Fuck and then what about that fucking crazy ATF dickhead that's been chasing Tara cross country. She needs to be here Jackson. If shit happens to her it happens to your kid, my grandchild. Do you get that Jackson? Just get her back here ok?"

"Mom, I'm trying. You know how stubborn T is. But you're happy about being a grandma right?" Jax said with his signature grin. Telling his mother was something Jax was dreading but she needed to be told. Tara was 4 and half months pregnant and beginning to show. She had told Tacoma but Charming didn't know, his mother didn't know.

"Yeah I'm happy there's going to be another Teller. I'm just not sure I'm happy who its mother is. It's better than that Junkie whore, I guess. Why is that bitch still sniffing around? Sort it out Jackson or I will? Got it?" Gemma put on her glasses and crossed her arms.

"Got it Ma" Jackson sighed. He knew he had to sort it out and fast. Telling his mother hadn't gone as bad as he expected. Following his mother into the clubhouse lighting up his smoke he saw the rest of the club sitting around the bar with a few of the old Ladies walking in and out of the kitchen.

"Listen up everyone" Nobody heard her at first which caused her to whistle stopping everyone in their tracks. "I got news for you all. Jackson has just gone and knocked up Tara. I'm going to be a grandma" Everyone congratulated Gemma and Jax. Jax hadn't exactly wanted everyone to find out like this but Gemma had a way of putting the ball in her court. He knew Tara wouldn't be too happy she had known or now knows most of the SAMCRO members although she still is a lot closer to Tacoma. He had been trying for the last month and half to get her back to Charming. In her words not his "I don't want to bring my shit to Charming." This always started the argument which they went through every time they talked. It had been getting to him that Kozik was there for Tara more than he was. It wasn't that he didn't trust Koz, it's just he should be with her not him. Kozik and Happy kept him updated more than Tara did. Tara was always running round working, busy at the club and in training for being an old lady as she said. She hadn't taken his advice to slow down stating she was a doctor and she knew her limits. Dialling her number he was dreading filling her in on today.

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Tara stood in the Tocama Clubhouse brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. She had been helping out the other old ladies and sweet butts prepare a meal for Hunters return to the Club. Like Kozik and Happy he had gone Nomad for a short while. It didn't shock her as much as it did in Charming. Tacoma was a lot more laid back than Charming which she liked. It wasn't that she didn't like Charming, she loved it but being in Tacoma is what she needed right now. Tacoma had become the closest thing she had to a home since she left Charming almost ten years ago. She hated that she now feared returning home. The thought of Josh being there waiting for her maybe hurting her baby or Jax. It was her worst nightmare. That is what she has been having for just over a month now. It was the same dream each time. Josh came into the house, he either had Jax or their unborn baby and evertime she failed to get to them. She was always too late, too late to save them. What if she went back and it wasn't a dream, it actually did happen. Could she ever forgive herself?

"Tara those potatoes ain't need no more choppin' "Delilah laughed. Tara had been in a world of her own all morning. Delilah understood she knew what pregnancy hormones could do to you. Being miles away from home away from your man and a crazy ATF agent after your ass couldn't have helped either.

"I'm sorry" Tara dropped the knife pushing away from the table stretching her arms. "I haven't been sleeping and I'm just so busy. Jax has been riding my ass about going back to Charming. When Gemma finds out she is going to probably drag my ass back to Charming."

"Sounds like Gemma baby" Trish said making her way in to check on thing. "You know you're always welcome here and you don't have to leave unless you want too."

"I know, Thank you. I mean it you have made me feel more at home than I sometimes feel in Charming. Gemma has a way of making me out to be enemy number one sometimes." Tara looked at her ringing phone. "I got to take this its Jax. He'll worry if I don't" The girls nodded as she walked out of the room.

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"Hey babe" Tara instantly smiled at the sound of his voice. She loved him unconditionally. She had tried over and over again not too but she couldn't. She wanted nothing more than to be a million miles away from this life. She wanted to save people while Jax did just the opposite. She helped the people Jax hurt. It always got to her not as much now. She realised it was the survival of the fittest in this world. In her world. This was her world now. Forever. With this baby she would always be tied to Jackson Teller, to SAMCRO, to Charming. Everything she ran from was now going to be forever in her life.

"Hi Jax! It's really busy here Hunter just returned from being Nomad, the boys are in Church and I'm helpings the Old Ladies." Tara said walking around the clubhouse picking up numerous things and putting them into the right place. "How is SAMCRO?"

"I told Ma" Gemma knew. Gemma knew she was caring the next Teller. Fucking great.

"Oh" Was all she could manage to say. She didn't want to get into an argument about Gemma.

"She wants you to come home" Jax sighed knowing this was a touchy subject.

"Of course she does! So she can hover over me probably expects me to fucking sit in TM under her supervision. I told you I want to wait until I'm ready. At least until we have some Intel of Josh." She knew her argument was a lost cause now that Gemma would push and push until Tara was back in Charming under her watchful eye.

"Exactly babe! Gemma won't let anything happen to you or our baby. Being here in Charming babe I can watch you ,one of the prospect can stay with you."

"Until when huh? At least here I have freedom I can walk around town. Although I know Jax you have a prospect following my every move at least they keep their distance here."

"Babe we need to sort out our house."

"You mean your and Wendy's house" Tara growled throwing herself onto her bed. She knew this phone call was going to end with one of them pissed at the other.

"Don't do that Tara. Wendy means shit. We didn't even stay in the house together when we were married. This is about you, me and our baby. We need to be together Tara. Now pull your head of your ass and see it too." Jax said trying to keep his cool over the phone. Jax waited a few moments not getting any answer from Tara but he knew she was still there.

"Give me three weeks. I need to give two weeks' notice at the hospital and I need time to pack too." Tara said tears in her eyes. As much as she wanted to be with Jax , she loved Tacoma and the life she had here. Being back in Charming under the watchful eye of Gemma was something that she didn't want. She didn't want her to have a hold over their kid like she did over Jax.

"Tara!" Jax didn't know what to say. He couldn't think of what to say. He was leaning on his bike, his grin growing with every word she had just said. "I'm happy babe. I love you"

"I love you too Jackson" Tara said wiping a tear from her eye. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as she thought it was going to be. Maybe life in Charming would be better than before. With her life Tara had learned to expect the worst.

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_**Thank you to all my new readers, reviewers and anyone who has added this to their favorites. see you all soon and let me know what you think is about to happen :) **_


	14. Patience

_Girl, I think about you every day now  
Was a time when I wasn't sure  
But you set my mind at ease  
There is no doubt  
You're in myHEART now_

_Said, woman, take it slow_  
_It'll work itself out fine_  
_All we need is just a little patience_

_~Patience – Guns N' Roses_

In three weeks she would be going back to Charming. At five and a half months pregnant there was no hiding it anymore. She couldn't wait to see the looks of those small minded people in Charming. She knew they would all think she was arriving back pregnant without a man. Only it could be further from the truth she was having the future prince or princess of SAMCRO. As much as she was looking forward to having Jax around, going back to Charming scared her. From what she had heard Wendy was a loose cannon and then there was Kohen.

"T you look a thousand miles away." She was sitting in the small office drinking some lemon tea. "Jax called, he told Gemma and I have three weeks left here." Kozik was what she was going to miss about Tacoma. He was like a brother to her. Kozik knew when Gemma found out there was no way she would let Tara stay in Charming.

"Tara I know you aren't happy about going back to Charming. You and I both know what it's like to grow up in a not so great upbringing. You want this kid to have a family, you need to go back to SAMCRO." She knew she would have to go back. Charming was always home, it just held a lot of baggage, baggage she had ran from for nearly ten years. From when she was last in Charming, before her latest visit for her father's funeral. It was the day Jax refused to leave and she refused to stay. Tara needed to build a life for her. If she had stayed, she would be nothing more than Jax Tellers Old Lady. She would have organised club events and done the office with Gemma. She knew she would have resented him forever. She may have found her two feet getting away from Charming but her heart always remained there. She may sound stupid but she always knew Jax was her future.

She was in many ways ready for Charming. Trish and Delilah had trained her back in to her old lady role. Reminding her just how to deal with sweetbuts and croweaters. Gemma had always shown her the more forward approach but Trish showed her a more standard approach. In the Clubhouse she needed to be seen as a strong woman. She knew how much shit came with the VP's old lady. Let alone the Old lady to the Mother Charters VP and Prince of Charming. This was going to be her life now sealed with the heir she was carrying.

"Ain't going to be the same without you." Trish smiled. She was leaning against the door of Tara's small apartment. It was above the office on the lot. Nobody thought it was right for her to living without her man away from the Club.

"I know, I promise I'll get up here as much as possible. This is home you know. You just got to watch Koz for me. That ass has me worried." Kozik was acting majorly weird for the last two weeks. She didn't know was it because of her leaving or some club shit.

"Ah all will be revealed." Trish winked before walking off. Sometimes Trish could be more cryptic than Gemma.

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"So you have everything on the list?" Jax asked as he looked at the shit long list. How much does a baby need?

"Yes the house is nearly ready. You two just got to sign on the dotted line. I've got a furniture catalogue too. You look, tick and I will get." Gemma had it all planned she would have everything ready for when Tara arrived no stress on her or the baby. She wasn't going to give Tara a reason to stay away any longer.

"Don't you think Tara should do this Ma?" Jax said returning his attention to under the hood of the car, he was working on.

"Yes and she is. You are sending her this, she is sending back what she wants. I'm just decorating baby trying to give Tara a smooth pregnancy. "

"I know Ma. Thank you." Jax kissed his mother's head.

"I just want everything to be perfect for my first grandson." Tara didn't know the sex of the baby but his mother was convinced herself it was a boy.

"Could be a girl?" Jax didn't think he was cut out for a girl but there was a 50% chance.

"Baby every first born Teller has been a boy." His mother did have a point.

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"Surprise." Tara stood shocked in the doorway of Delilah's. They had thrown her a baby shower. "Oh my god, you didn't need to do this." Trish ushered her into a seat.

"Yes we did, you're family. We aren't going to let SAMCRO say we didn't treat you right." Handing her a mocktail to sip, Trish handed her a present also. "This is from Kozik. He said this was girl shit and wouldn't come but wanted to give you this." Tara opened the box to see a custom made miniature Harley on one side it had the clubs reaper with a telescope instead of the scythe. Tara wiped away the tear that had fallen. On the bottom of the figure she read the inscription.

"_To baby Teller, _

_Always be a terror, _

_Uncle Koz. "_

"Ass" Tara muttered under breath, while smiling. Like her and Jax kid needed any encouragement to be a terror. The woman around the room didn't comment, they knew of their brother, sister bond. About a half an hour into the party there was a knock on the door before it opened. "Hey baby" Tara's head shot up to see Gemma with a shit eating grin on her face. "Gemma what are you doing here?" Tara stood up to greet her. "It's my grandkids shower you think I'm going to miss that?" Gemma hugged her and kissed her cheek. Tara was stupid to think Gemma wouldn't show up. Gemma would never miss a chance to throw the status of being grandma and matriarch of SAMCRO in anyone face. "Jax and the boys are at the clubhouse. Luann get in here." Luann Delany, porn queen, owner of Cara Cara. From what Tara can remember, Luann was a nice lady, Otto's old lady. Jax had told her he was in Stockton doing a long stint. Tara knew Luann and Otto had one fucked up relationship.

"Tara, my god baby that bump; is huge" Luann dropped her hands to Tara's ever growing bump.

"Thanks Luann, it's been a while." Tara sat back down between Trish and Gemma. The two queens and a future one.

"You'll be home soon. I'll fill you in on all the clubhouse gossip." Luann said with such excitement s Gemma spoke to Delilah.

"That would be great Luann." Tara smiled. She knew nothing about Charming, Jax wasn't exactly one to see anything outside of club business as even relatively important. Luann could fill in the blanks for her. Although Tara couldn't see herself sitting in Cara Cara as Luan directed one of her films.

"Maybe you could go see Donna. She tries to distance herself from the club. She didn't really take it well when Op got locked up." As long as Tara knew Donna she had never been good with the club. She had fallen in love with Op and Op loved the club.

"I've spoken to her a couple of times. It's hard for her she never really got the club. "

"Op is Pineys kid right?" Tara nodded. "Good kid, he always loved that girl" Throughout high school it had been the two couples, inseparable. The two bad boy bikers fell for the two rebels. Tara and Donna had brains but they just didn't give a fuck.

"Op is a good kid. He's just about finished his stint but ladies let's forget about the men and just enjoy the shower. "Gemma said surprisingly.

X X X

The shower had went surprisingly well. Returning to the clubhouse all Tara wanted to do was nap, today had been a long as day. "Hey" A set of arms went around her bump. Jax dropped a kiss to her cheek. "How was the shower?"

"It went surprisingly well. It was such a surprise. For old ladies who love to gossip they can sure hold a secret." Tara watched as everyone moved around the clubhouse. She saw how the old ladies rushed around making sure everything was going good, that the croweaters knew their place. She saw how the sons eyed the old ladies or croweaters. She hadn't realised how much she had missed it all now, standing there in Jaxs arms.

"I'm ready to come home baby." Tara said as she rested her forehead with his. "I'm ready for it all"

"You sure?" Jax looked into her trying to see fear or hesitation but all he saw was the love she had for him. "That's all I wanted to hear." He gently dropped a kiss to her hips. "You're coming home"

X X X

"I can't believe your leaving already. You better call" Trish said as she hugged Tara close.

"Or me and that crazy bitch will have to come to Charming" Delilah added as she kissed her cheek. "Charming isn't ready for our crazy asses."

"T you better not drop off the raider. " Kozik smiled as he kissed her forehead. "I'm going to miss the shot out of you."

"Leave the girl breath. Jesus Christ" Bones added as he moved everyone out of his way, kissing her cheek. "There'll always be a place for you here Tara."

"Don't forget that either." Randy added.

"I might be calling you for some advice kid." Mike added.

"You ready Tara?" Juice asked as put her bag into the van. Bobby and a prospect were on their bikes in front.

"As I'll ever be" Tara smiled as she sat into the van.

X X X

_**So Tara is finally headed for Charming what could go wrong? **_


	15. Better Together

_I believe in memories  
They look so, so pretty when I sleep  
Hey now, and when I wake up,  
You look so pretty sleeping next to me  
But there is not enough time,  
And there is no, no song I could sing  
And there is no combination of words I could say  
But I will still tell you one thing  
We're better together._

_~Better Together – Jack Johnson_

Stepping out of the van Tara looked around the familiar lot. Nothing had changed it all still looked the same. The boys were working in the garage, she could already see Gemma emerging from the office.

"Baby welcome home" Gemma smiled engulfing her in a hug. Gemma steered her towards the clubhouse. "Get some lemon and hot water for Tara." Gemma ordered as they sat down at the bar. "Youdoing good Tara?"

"I'm good, baby is doing fine" Tara ran a hand over her bump. "Jax around?" Tara asked looking around the room. She had seen his bike outside.

"He's in church they were waiting on the guys to get back with you. " Gemma took the two mugs the croweater had brought over. Tara sat and watched everyone in the clubhouse, she used to do it all the time while waiting for Jax to finish up whatever she was doing. There was men littering the common area, woman behind the bar getting everything ready for when the members descended church. There was more women in the kitchen cooking up a storm, it then clicked with Tara, family dinner. The occasion of her and the heirs return had to be marked in a very SAMCRO way or should she say Gemma way. "We're just going to have a small family dinner baby, welcome you home the right way." Gemma gently squeezed her hand as walked towards the kitchen given orders. Another wave of realisation hit her, she was going to become the Gemma of SAMRCO one day, the Queen. Tara had never really given much thought to her position within the club, it was always Jaxs thing. When he had asked her to get his crow, she didn't even think about it, she was so in love with Jax she would of went to the moon and back if he had asked. Through the years it has remained a constant reminder of her past, of him, sometimes it was a bad thing. She always had him haunting her, reminding her of her past of what could have been her future. Now sitting here she realised he was always going to be her future and coming home had always been what she needed to do.

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Jax sat looking at the clock while he was in church, raising the bud to his lips inhaling it in long pulls. He was nervous, nervous to see Tara. It was something he had never felt with anyone. He hoped she liked the house, hoped he could get her to stay. He was nervous that in around four months this little life was going to depend on him, he knew shit about babies. Only time he ever had to look after kids was when Donna was desperate and he was the last option. She really didn't trust him and Op with the kids. It reminded him of his best friend who would be out soon. His life was falling into place, becoming a father, Tara coming home and the final piece would be Op back at his side. Everything was going to be changing, shit in this life everything constantly changed. This time it was all for the better. Breaking his thoughts was Juice, Bobby and the prospect came through the door.

"Sorry Tacoma didn't want to leave your girl go, VP" Bobby said lighting up. Jax smiled at his friend. He knew Tacoma was like family to Tara and leaving them was going to be hard.

"I thought that wouldn't" Jax added as Clay returned there attention to church and the latest Mayan drama.

"Everyone at my house 7:30 or Gemma will chop all our balls off. Family dinner for our girl Tara coming back and to celebrate the soon arrival of the new prince of Charming. "Clay informed before raising the gavel. As much as Clay would never admit it, he quiet liked Tara. Jax was an out of control little shit at sixteen causing more trouble than he could handle. Thought he had everything to prove, being SAMCRO and JTs kid. Tara was the only person to calm, something that still pissed his queen off. They had been friends since before they could comprehend what a friend was. Then teenage hormones kicked in and becoming friends wasn't enough anymore. Jax ended up in county after Tara left did an six month stint for an assault. His rage over took him for a long time until he learned to overcome it by screwing anything and everything in sight.

"Could be a princess." Juice added shrugging his shoulders as he got a look from the other members. "What 50 percent chance it's a girl"

"Better hope it ain't a girl Jackie. They're a hell of a lot of trouble" Chibs patted him on the back.

"My Dawnie and Fawn are probably more trouble than this entire club put together. All I'm saying is if it's a girl VP prepare for those luscious blonde locks to be gone." Tig took the beer from Mindy as he sat beside Clay.

"Jesus Christ you would swear they're the spawns of satin" Jax chuckled taking the beer from Mindy the latest croweater. Privileges weren't there for her to cook yet.

"Aye that exactly what I'm saying" Chibs laughed.

"Hey guys" Tara smiled as she looked at the club members, Jax was at her side in record time dropping a kiss to her cheek.

"Doc good to see you" Chibs raised his beer starting off the round of welcome homes. She got passed from member to member for a couple of minutes before Jax was left back at her side.

"You and the baby ok?" Jax asked as he swung his arm around her as they took a seat on the couch.

"We're fine. Glad to be home and we can't wait to crawl into bed for a few hours before dinner tonight." Tara yawned.

"You can go back to the dorm it can be like old times. You and me hiding from my Ma." Jax whispered in her ear.

"That sounds so good." Tara said as she got up from her seat. "Wake me in two hours. My bags have to go to the house. They're still in the van. I have to go home get a shower and changed before going to your Moms." Jax nodded.

.

.

.

"You two are late." Gemma looked between the two of them as she moved the spatula in their faces. "You already got her knocked up couldn't keep it in your pants until after dinner. Go sit with the rest of the guys who were here on time"

"Sorry Ma" Jax chuckled as he kissed Tara before leading her into the dining table.

"You two love birds finally arrived." Clay announced as they sat in their assigned seats. It had been a while since she had done this. It was a rare occasion it happened in Tacoma.

"We had some catching up to do." Jax said raising his beer.

"I bet you did." Clay patted him on the back. As Gemma started bringing in the rest of the food. Gemma finally sat Clay raised his beer. "To Tara welcome home, things haven't been the same without you. Congratulations to you both. Tara you and that baby are family and we protect our family. Nothing will ever happen either of you on our watch."

"Thanks Clay and everyone else it means a lot that you're all welcoming me back with open arms." Tara smiled as they all raised there beers and glasses in a cheers.

.

.

.

"Ma's went smoothly thought she would be hell of a lot more in our face." Jax got into bed pulling Tara closer to him. "You good with the house?"

"I love it Gemma stuck to exactly what we decided. I thought she would have added a few Gemma touches." Tara ran her hand over Jax chest. "I'm just happy it's all done. Now we just have the baby's room and we'll be finding out what it is."

"Yeah it's coming up soon and then we can plan the room. I'm thinking a Harley mural on the wall."

"Could be a princess castle" Tara laughed as Jax groaned.

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_**Its short I know but I'm trying to get back into writing. These filler chapters are killer. I have everything in my head but I just need to get there and that's a few chapters away. **_


	16. You're the one that I want

_I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control  
'Cause the power you're supplying, it's electrifying  
You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you  
You better shape up  
understand, to my heart I must be true_

_~Angus &amp; Julia Stone - You're The One That I Want_

Tara sighed as she woke up alone in bed. It had been like this the last two mornings, the club was on a run. Jax had thought it was best she stayed with Gemma, even though she was 13 weeks away from her due date. Tara wasn't going to complain too much Gemma's cooking was the best. Her favourite thing about staying here when she was a teenager was her amazing breakfasts.

"Hey baby, did you sleep ok?" Tara noticed Luann and a few other old ladies sitting around the table. Tara suddenly felt a little undressed in Jaxs shirt and a pair of pj bottoms. Taking her seat beside Gemmas, she had taken to Clay's chair, so Tara was now in hers. Luann had taken Jax.

"Yeah except the baby decided 3am was a good time to wake up. I was awake for about an hour but fell back asleep about 4." Tara yawned as she rubbed her hand over her bump.

"I remember those nights." Mary said from her seat. "Opie was always a big kid, even bigger baby. When they took him out I didn't even know how he fitted inside me." Tara shivered at the thought. She had been there to see women give birth, there was always some better than others. Then there were the babies, some were so small and other you would of thought could never be a new born.

"I remember. I thought you have cut the circulation to my hand. Piney of course arrived at the last minute. I didn't know who to kill him or John. I was 7 months pregnant, scared shitless about giving birth and then I saw yours. I spat Jax out compared to what you went through. I thought JT was going to kill me if I didn't stop worrying for the last two months. Then I saw you and Opie, I just couldn't wait to have that bond with my kid."

Tara smiled listening to their stories. She wished her mother was here to see her grandkid, to see how her life had turned out. "When I had Amber I was so scared. I was fifteen living in a trailer, I thought my life couldn't get any worse. Otto was crazy, he was eighteen and leaving for the war. My mother was a hippy that cared more about drugs than me. Otto's parents weren't much better. Amber was one and a half the first time he saw her. I lied about my age got into the business a year early to support my kid, got pregnant shortly after Otto came home for good and had my boy Frankie. As they got older realised what I did. They didn't want to live my life. My hippy parents actually made something of themselves so they went to live with them in Stockton. Our relationship is getting better, realised how bad things were back then, that I had to find I way to earn money for us to survive." Tara never even knew they had kids Frankie must be her age and Amber a little older. She felt bad for everything Luann had gone through.

"You did good baby. You did what you had to do. Now Frankie had his own gym and Amber teaches middle school. Where would they have ended up if you hadn't worked or Otto didn't join the club? They'll learn to be grateful one day." Gemma squeezed her friends hand in reassurance. Tara loved this, the women behind the men of SAMCRO. If anything they were stronger than the men. They always had each other's backs.

"God remember when Tia had Dawn and Fawn." Tara remembers this she was still a teenager. Tia was a dancer at a club. Tig had made her his old lady. She was bat shit crazy. "She was dancing when her water broke." Gemma laughed. "I remember Butch ringing and demanding someone gets her out of there. Mary watched the kids me and Luann left with Tig. I thought Tig was going to pass out when he realised it was twins, thought he was going to cry when he discovered it was girls."

"Now no one could was anything about Dawnie and Fawnie. Those two are the spawns of satin" Mary shuddered thinking back to the two hell raisers.

"Tig having kids there was no chance they wouldn't be crazy" Tara chuckled. All the women around the table helped clear up after breakfast. Early starts for old ladies weren't strange, it was only 9am and they had been talking for over an hour.

X X X

"So the prince is going to have a kid" Jury patted Jax on the back as they sat at the bar. The clubhouse was in full on ragger mode. The music was loud, the girls were half naked and the members were buzzed.

"Kids with Tara were always on the cards just didn't think it would take us this long you know. It only took her becoming a doctor and meeting Kozik for her to come back into my life. Wendy was just someone who was familiar, who made me feel less numb for a minute" Jax toyed with the beer in his hand.

"We've all been there boy. Everyone is just trying to find what works for them. I'm happy for you both. Tara is a good girl and that's what you need. JT would be proud of you kid." Jurey raised his beer to JAX. "Your brother is getting out soon to right?"

"Op will be out in a month. Shit I didn't realise how much we had each other until he got locked up" In less than a year had found Tara, was having a kid and getting his best friend back. The shit eating grin on his face was a giveaway for how much he was loving his life right now.

"Thinks are good for you. Let's hope everything keeps going good for us all."

X X X

"I just can't believe he's home in a month Tara." Donna sipped her coffee as she watched her kids run around their backyard. "I'm so happy your back. Shit with me and Gemma was never good. It got even worse when Op got locked up. SAMCRO is the reason Opie is missing out on our kids growing up. Kenny was so young he doesn't even remember Op only behind a Stockton visiting table and Ellie is at the age where she just realising her father is a criminal. It's not easy Tara, two kids, husband in jail. Piney helps out as best as Piney will. I don't want help from the club, that's what got us into this mess, why my husband isn't with us." Donna brushed the tears from her cheeks.

Tara had never fully been reluctant of Club life. It gave her the sense of family she had missed from when her mother had died. She wouldn't say she agreed with a lot of shit the club did. Gemma and she had gotten on for the most part of the time she had been around. Gemma had saw her as a protégé, thought her everything she needed to know. If Jax went to jail in the morning she would be heartbroken but she knew she would have the money to support their kid. If it was back before she had left she would of probably been living comfortably but would have been totally reliant on the club. "Donna I can't even imagine how hard shit has been for you. Two kids under four and Op going to jail, that's crazy. The club Donna you know is Ops life, his family. I'm sorry thing worked out how they did but you know he's going to go back to the club as soon as he gets out, it's all he knows."

"Why does everyone say that? I don't want him in that life. I don't want Kenny in that life. SAMCRO ruined my family. I can't lose him again, I can't." Tara threw her arms around her friend as her emotions got the better of her.

"Donna I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Whatever the club or life throws at us, we'll get through it together."

X X X

"Hey babe" Jax smiled as he took his sunglasses off. He had just gotten into the lot and her face was exactly what he needed to see. A laugh left his lips as he removed them from Tara's when he felt the baby kick. "Hey kid I missed you too." He ran a hand over her bump, earning another kick.

"Everything go ok?" Tara asked as they sat on the bench. Jax flashed a smile to Donna who was at the other side of the bench #. He hadn't seen her here since before Op had got locked up.

"Everything went fine and I told you not to worry. How did you and Ma go?" Jax had known leaving a hormonal Tara and a hoovering Gemma unsupervised could have ended in disaster. Kenny and Ellie had come running back from where they had been with Piney. Jax smiled at the fact that in a couple of years that would be his kids.

"Your Ma's breakfasts are still amazing, we did some shopping." By some shopping Tara meant a lot. Gemma has all but bought out every baby shop they had been in. "We were on our best behaviour, I told you not to worry. " Jax rolled his eye as he messed Kenny's hair, throwing the ball across the lot to some of the other kids.

X X X

"So Donna and the kids at the lot got anything to do with my old lady?" Jax ran his hand threw her hair as the lay in bed.

"We had a little bit of a talk. She misses Op, still chewed up about him getting locked up. She knows she has to make things easy for Opie. This is her getting back into club life for her family. She knows she can't change Op." Tara gently kissed Jax chest.

"Your starting to sound like Gemma babe." Tara playfully hit his chest. "Thank you for talking to Donna, Op will need her on his side not fighting against him."

"I want everything to be like before I left Jax. I want us all a whole, all our family together."

X X X


	17. To Be With You

_A broken heart can't be that bad  
When it's through, it's through  
Fate will twist the both of you  
So come on baby come on over  
Let me be the one to show you  
I'm the one who wants to be with you  
Deep inside I hope you feel it too_

_To be with you ~Mr. Big_

Tara looked in the mirror at her bump, it was getting bigger every day. She ran her hand affectionately over it, she never thought she'd have this let alone with Jax. "We get to see you today baby"

"I'll meet you there, I promise I won't be late babe, church should be over in no time." Jax said as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Sometimes he would look at them in the mirror and still see them as sixteen. He imagined what there life would be like if she hadn't left, if one of their many pregnancy scares wasn't just a scare.

"You better Teller or I'll kick your ass." Tara kissed him before moving down the hall. Jax gathered his things before giving her one final kiss and leaving.

X X X

Tara left to meet Donna for breakfast at the diner. Sitting into the booth Donna was running a little late so she ordered for her. There orders had been the same since high school. "Tara Knowles is that you? I heard you were back in town." Tara looked up to see one the blonde bimbo's that were and probably still are in the, we heart Jackson Teller fan club.

"Hi, yes it's me, news travels slow around Charming I'm here nearly a month now." Tara ran a hand over her bump bringing the bimbos eyes to it.

"So you came back pregnant, it's such a shame you and Jax didn't work out." A sly smile travelled across Tara's lips. The fan club were never happy Tara was the only one to tame Jackson Teller.

"Oh Darlin' you didn't know, this baby is Jacksons. You know we set up house together, guess some things can't stay broken." The bubble of gum she was chewing popped as she scurried away know doubt spreading the news.

"Hey sorry I was late, Kenny just didn't want to go to school today." Donna shuffled into the seat across from her friend.

"It's alright just had to educate a fan member on Jax and I doing the whole white picket fence." Tara chuckled pouring some more water into her glass.

"Somethings in Charming never change. How many bitches did we have to educate over the years." Donna laughed lightly as the bimbo dropped back their food.

"God the principal's office was our second home. We would of got in so much shit only for the club and Gemma." Tara really didn't know how she would have got a scholarship only for the principal being so scared of the club, he never put her extra activities on her file.

"We're just short of thirty and bitches still don't see Jax and Opie are off the menu .Those bitches couldn't put up with half the shit we've had thrown at us." Tara thought back to the many things that had happened over the years before she had left, shit got bad, real bad. Seems the club weren't the reason for her attraction to trouble she did just fine in Chicago all by herself.

"I just hope Opie hasn't changed too much, it was five years Tara, I've changed and I've grown up." Tara knew the life. She knew shaking back up with Jax wasn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows. "Shit it's the school. I gotta take this T." Tara ushered her to take the call while she finished off breakfast. "It turn out Kenny wasn't telling lies, he's in the nurses off I got to go pick him up." Donna rooted in her purse for money.

"I got this" Donna flinched at Tara's words. It had become somewhat Opies catchphrase over the years. "You want me to come check on Kenny after my appointment?"

"I'm sure it's just a bug but if I need you I'll call. Thank you Tara for everything." Tara smiled at her friend as she ran out the door.

Tara went and paid for their meal leaving to get into her rental. Jax still had her cutlass at the garage fixing it up which was taking a little longer than expected. Turning out of the carpark she noticed a car behind her, thinking she was paranoid she let it go for another couple of blocks turning down another street the car still followed her, pulling her cell from her bag she called Jax.

"Hey babe I'm not going to be late." She could imagine the smirk on his face.

"Jax" He instantly was on alert knowing by the tone in her voice something was wrong. "I…I think someone is tailing me. They've turned down every street I have, I've even doubled back one."

"Where are you Tara?" She could hear the engine of his bike start followed by a few others.

"I'm about five minutes out from ." Jax knew there was only one road that led to St. Thomas from the diner. "I think I lost it Jax it's gone" All Jax could hear was the loud crashing. "TARA"

Getting to the scene it was crazy it happened right at the major intersection. There was two ambulances. "Unser, Tara?"

"That's the ambulance pulling off right there. She's in and out of consciousness." Before Unser could say anymore the whole of SAMCRO had taken off. New to the scene was Gemma Teller who looked like she for once was scared. She quickly got into her car again following the club. He didn't know how he felt about going to tell them who had caused this.

"Tara, Tara Knowles just got brought in here." Jax said catching his breath at reception. The receptionist looked at the club fear overcame her. Giving them the directions they all raced to where Tara was. Asking the nurse in the area she brought out the doctor. "Are you dad?" Shit Jax hadn't even thought about the baby.

"Yes, yes I am." Jax nodded as Gemma squeezed his arm letting him now she was right there. "Your baby is coming right now, Mom is a little distressed, she knows it's early. So you're coming with me, I'm sorry but everyone else has to wait here."

"What the hell happened?" Gemma asked as Jax disappeared. She was scared for her grandbaby, Tara and Jax. If something went wrong, it could bring everyone to a dark place.

"Jax got a call from Tara, she thought someone was following her. She thought she had lost them but they must have came at her a different direction." Bobby explained as Clay wrapped an arm around his queen.

"Kid is strong like his parents Gem, kid will make it." Clay just hoped the kid did. This baby was a blessing for his family.

"Hey I heard about the crash on the news saw all you guys there."

"Opie when the fuck did you get out?" Chibs threw his arms around the younger man.

"Got out first thing, Pops knew it was supposed to be a surprise." A wave of relief hit Gemma as she hugged the man she thought of as another son.

"Tara someone drove her off the road." Tig added from where he was sitting.

X X X

Jax saw a distressed Tara, tears were rolling down her porcelain skin. "It's too early" Tara repeated over and over again. Jax kissed her forehead not understanding what was happening.

"I'm sorry honey but this baby is coming now" One of the nurse said as she checked how dilated she was.

"Tara, babe." It was the first time she had looked at him saw the worry and confusion on his face. "You got to stay calm like the classes. You and the baby need to be calm." Jax assured her as best he could for someone who had no clue what was happening. He knew it was early for the baby to be coming but after that he was lost.

"We can see the head now Mom we need you to push." Tara gripped Jax hand after a while the last push was upon them. "Now one last push Mom and the baby is here." Tara did just that. "Why isn't it crying, why isn't our baby crying." A tear slid down Jax face as he watched a distressed Tara scream at nurses and doctors before a cry immerged. "It's a boy"

"A boy" Jax looked at Tara withy fresh tears rolling down his cheeks as they did Taras. "We're going to have to take him out of here for some tests and get Mom cleaned up so if you want to go tell everyone you have a son. "Abel his name is Abel." Jax got to decide the boy's name and Tara was deciding if it was a girl. Jax reluctantly left Tara and watched as his son got wheeled away in the incubator.

"Jackson how's the baby and Tara?" Gemma rushed to his son. Seeing the puffy eyes and reddened cheeks, she hadn't seen her boy cry since Tara left.

"Our boy Abel is gone to get some tests and Tara is getting cleaned up." Gemma hugged her son kissing his cheek as the rest of club hollered. "Opie shit"

"I'm sorry man fuck didn't expect to get out to this. Congratulations on the kid. "He hugged his brother tight knowing this was chewing Jax up bad.

"Unser" Everyone turned to see the local sheriff come through the door.

"Hey Jax how's Tara?" Unser had been always fond of the Jax and Tara since they were kids.

"Our son, Abel was born ten weeks early. Tara is doing as good as expected. You know who done this?" Jax asked in full club mode as Gemma and Clay stood to his side.

"Jax you might want to take a seat." Jax didn't move. "The ambulance pulled who it was out of the car before I got there. I don't know what has been going on Jax but it was Wendy who done this. She is flying high doesn't even know her name right now." Unser could see the anger on both Tellers faces.

"Stupid Junkie Whore" Gemma proclaimed kicking the small coffee table.

X X X

_**I'm going to leave it there short update but a big moment. I hope everyone has a good weekend.**_


	18. Use Somebody

_**Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak**_

_**Countless lovers under cover of the street**_

_**You know that I could use somebody**_

_**Kings of Leon – Use Somebody**_

Everything was pure mayhem by the time he arrived. He had gotten a call from Happy. "Yo where's our girl?" Kozik had just arrived with Delilah and Trish. The prospect was outside Tara's room with Juice. Gemma was inside hovering over Tara. The rest of the club must have been in church. Barging through the door Kozik noticed how stressed Tara looked. "T" "Kozzie" Tara couldn't keep her emotions under control the tears began rolling down her cheeks as he hugged her close. Gemma had already begun telling the other two old ladies exactly what had happened.

"Oh Tara we're sorry about what had happened. The bitch will pay." Trish moved Kozik out of the way hugging the younger girl.

"That kid got Teller blood babe. He's a fighter." Delilah assured her as she took the position Trish had just been in.

"I know….I know…I just can't believe this happened." Tara sobbed as she looked at the small picture of her son, Abel. Everything was just so overwhelming she hadn't seen Jax since they found out about Wendy. She knew he blamed himself. Gemma and him had made her come back to Charming, didn't even factor Wendy in. Her sole worry was Josh. If Wendy could do this, what was Josh capable of? She couldn't think like that not now, not while her baby was so sick.

"Hey honey, you and that boy are so strong. Wendy or nobody else is going to ever hurt you again." Gemma hugged her close as the other watched one of the strongest women they knew have a breakdown.

X X X

"Hey Jax, I heard you're a dad." Louise the local sails assistant smiled. Jax smiled a little thinking of his son but his thoughts soon changed back to what Wendy had done. Wendy the name tasted stall in his mouth. He couldn't face Tara not till they knew their boy was going to be ok. This was his fault, his crazy ex did this. All this time worrying about that crazy ATF pricfk and it was Wendy done the damage to his family.

"Abel, it was a boy. A Pack of smokes too Darling." Jax said as he picked up some gum looking at the kids book Louise had put into the bag. "What the hell is that?" "Ah shit" If his week hadn't been going bad enough the warehouse was on fire, fucking hell. Jax had been thinking of what to do about Wendy. He didn't really want woman's blood on his hands, that's shot he and the club didn't do. He knew he had a lot to do with her being so screwed up. Fuck it had always been Tara but Wendy had always known that.

"Fucking Mayans man." Tig said as they looked around and at what was left of their warehouse. Seriously Tig,

"Two to the back of the head." Jax looked at Clay as if things could be that simple. Charming was anything but its name.

"it ain't easy being king." Jax said simply. He knew he had a while to wait before Clay retired and shit he was excited about it. Now with Tara and now his son who he can only hope will survive, he has to change things for them all.

X X X

Sometimes you're the Beemer sometimes you're the god damn dear." Jax looked on at the scene in front of him, today he felt like both. He had a son but Tara and his son were laid up in hospital.

"Aye Jackie have you been to see the wee one and the lass?" Chibs asked as the prospect tried to cut the dear head from the car.

"I'm heading up there soon but with all this shit it's been hard getting there. Gemma is up…..speaking of ma" Jax said as his phone began to ring.

"Hey baby, you get to sleep yet?" Jax knew Gemma was feeling this as much as him. It brought back memories of his brother for them both.

"I got a few but how's my family ma?" Jax asked inching himself away from Chibs.

"They're ok baby. Our girl is putting on a brave face but you know Tara once she understands what's happening she's good. Abel is still in the toaster but he's getting stronger baby." Gemma heard the sigh of relief from her son. She was relieved too. Golden boy Hale had her room under lock and key. It didn't stop him with calling to Tara three times a day. "We'll have a family dinner tomorrow, I'll get steak?"

"Ma….Tara." Before he could finish. "Tara is fine with it. I've already spoken to her. So you get up to St. Thomas baby, they need you."

"We looked over where Wendy was staying found some matches looks like she got the crank from the hairy dog." Jax felt his anger surface as Juice stated every word.

"You go watch him" Clay warned as Bobby and Chibs followed him. Beating Darby's guy felt good all his anger he had for everything since the accident just seemed to flow out onto that guy. He thought of how much hurting Tara was going through because of his past mistakes. He never for one second thought Wendy was that crazy.

"How you holding up brother?" Op said as he walked towards Jax with Sonna. Jax was outside looking at his son in the toaster. He had Tara and his blood running through his veins the kid was a fighter.

"I'm good Op. Just looking at the kid you know. He doesn't even look real." He was so small Jax was amazed every time he saw him. How his little heart could even get the family flaw.

"They all look breakable when the first come out. Wait until you hold him, I was so scared holding Ellie. Donna it just came so natural and I was like a fish out of water for a few days. Jax you'll be a good father, Tara isn't going to let that happen." Jax chuckled lightly at his best friends words.

"I know you're trying to be straight but we need you for this job at the weekend." Jax got back into business before he had to go see Tara.

X X X

"Hey babe" Jax said walking into Tara's room. She looked a lot better than she had done. She had her head in some medical journal and that made Jax smile. Tara Knowles always had her head in a book.

"Jackson I thought you had club business. Gemma said things were crazy at the club." Tara put the book onto the locker. Jax placed the flowers he had brought on it too before kissing Tara's lips gently.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around babe. Gemma was right things are crazy with the Mayans. You know I want to be here for you and Abel right?" Jax lifted her hand to his lips.

"Well I'll be coming home in the morning." Tara smiled. It was bittersweet for her she was able to go home but her baby wasn't.

"Family dinner tomorrow." Jax should of known Gemma was up to something to have a family dinner on a crazy week at the club.

"I asked her not to say anything. I wanted to surprise you. Abel will be going for his heart operation in the morning but everything is looking really good for it." Tara had been going over every step with doctors today and she was fully behind the whole thing.

"Abels a fighter just like his parents. It'll be good to have you home. I know it's only been a few days but I was just getting used to having you back." Jax kicked off his shoes, placed his kutte on the chair and crawled onto the bed with Tara. Having her in his arms is how things are supposed to be.

X X X

_**Short I know and not a great chapter. I promised an update to all the people who private messaged me. Thank you to bighouse, sheshe073, akoulla, gladz08 and crazzi-in-love for pushing me to update. I promise everything else will be updated early next week. **_

_**For anyone wondering about the prince and princess of anarchy its coming back new and improved. **_

_**Thank you all for following and reviewing. JBF x **_


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